


Broken

by Jeni182



Series: Broken [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Dark, Established Relationship, Exy (All For The Game), F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Healing, Healing Sex, Life Partners, M/M, Partnership, Past Rape/Non-con, Romance, Self-Harm, Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, non-cannon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-18
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-09-22 06:49:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 34,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17055167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeni182/pseuds/Jeni182
Summary: Andrew attempts suicide and he and Neil try to navigate his recovery and healing together.





	1. Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, friends! So this is the start of the Broken fic that's based on the chapter from my ficlet collection. I really wanted to explore this story some more because although the chapter ended okay, we all know that the road to healing after an incident like this is long and bumpy. I really wanted to take a look at everyone's reactions and give Andrew a chance to heal a bit in his relationships with his family, and even his relationship with Neil. 
> 
> SO. This first chapter is basically the original one from my collection, but I've tweaked a few things here and there. Hope you enjoy (but I also hope you suffer...just a little)!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew attempts suicide and he and Neil try to navigate his recovery and healing together.
> 
> Andrew mentions the first time he let Neil push him down in this chapter, and I wrote a piece on this in my collection of ficlets. You can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16752982/chapters/39303364) if you'd like to read it!

Later when Andrew would stop to think about what really went wrong, he would come up with the same answer every time. 

 _He_ was where it went wrong. 

He was right when he thought Neil was a pipe dream. When Neil told him no he was not and then _yes, yes, yes._ He let himself have something and that was the problem. He should know by now. He couldn't have anything. It was why he never _wanted_ anything. 

Andrew didn't even know how this happened. Graduation was coming up and he was signed with a professional exy team in Denver. He'd be leaving South Carolina for good in a few months. He just assumed Neil would join him when he graduated. It was a given. Wherever they ended up, it would be together. Even on different teams, they would be together. 

Neil was pushing for promises. He was making plans for holidays and when Andrew told him to stop being an idiot because he had no idea what his life was going to look like with training and press and games, Neil had not liked that. Not one bit. 

"This isn't going to work if you don't _try_ to make it work," Neil told Andrew. They were on the roof with cigarettes and whisky and wandering hands and tousled hair. Overall it was a very good night, Andrew thought. Until Neil brought it crashing down. 

"There's no "try" right now. We don't even know what time we'll have once I'm there. Stop being so fucking dramatic."

"Maybe I'll just leave school. Maybe I'll come with you to Denver and try for a professional team in a year."

"Don't be an idiot," Andrew scoffed at him, "You think it'll be easy to get on a pro team without being drafted? And even if you do who's to say you'll end up on mine? You could be across the country. Not to mention certain Japanese fuck faces coming to murder you immediately when they realize you're not playing professionally. Don't make this into something it's not."

Neil leaned back at his words, as if they had been a physical blow. He gave Andrew a long look full of anger and hurt and betrayal and Andrew had to look away before the icy blue poked a hole in his chest. 

"Fine," Neil said, "Fine. We're done here. If this is what it's going to be like when you're gone and if this 'I don't give a shit' attitude is what I'll be getting when you're a million miles away from me, I'm done."

Neil stood up and walked away. A voice in Andrew's head begged him to call Neil back. To keep him from walking away. To break everything he believes in and get down on his knees and beg him not to leave. But he does none of those things. Because the loudest voice in his head says _"Yes. This makes sense. This is how this was always going to go."_

He was where it went wrong. 

He was never good enough for Neil. Neil was an idiot and a junkie and a smart mouthed moron. But he was brave. He was strong. He respected Andrew's boundaries and never pushed. Not once. Even those times when Andrew left him hard and wanting because some demon or other had decided to pay an unexpected visit. Neil understood and he kept his hands to himself and he talked about exy instead to annoy Andrew out of his own head. 

Andrew was none of those things. He thought about those demons. How weak willed he was. How he couldn't even manage to handle normal words of the English language like _please_ and _promise_ and _revenge_. How fucked up he was from Steven and Drake and all of the men and baby-sitters in between who saw how small Andrew was and assumed that it meant easy prey. He was never good enough for Neil. He would never be good enough for anyone. Not a good enough son or brother or cousin. So this situation felt right. He'd been in a downward spiral for months and had expected this eventually, if he was being honest. His mental health was steadily deteriorating and he was dragging Neil down with him.

He stared over the edge of the roof for a moment and wondered if it was far enough of a fall to kill him. Or if he would just be seriously injured. He didn't think he could stand it if he ended up in the hospital instead. He shook his head and stood up on the edge of the roof. He pictured Neil's face and remembered Neil's hands and thought to himself how this was probably the best thing he could do for Neil. To release him from the burden Andrew placed on him every day by just being alive. He took a deep breath. He took a step forward.

Then he fell. 

****

Neil was sitting in a chair beside Andrew's bed. He'd been here for 2 days. Andrew was put into a drug induced coma so the doctors could try and figure out if his brain would survive his fall. Neil refused to think 'his jump'. Andrew would never be that stupid. Especially over Neil. 

When Neil heard people screaming outside of fox tower, he thought for sure another group of Ravens fans had fucked with the cars again. He did not expect a pale and shaking Aaron to bang on his door and tell him that Andrew had fallen from the roof before puking all over his sneakers. Neil was the fastest player in NCAA exy. But he had never run as fast as he did at that moment. 

When he got outside the building to find Andrew half in some bushes and half on the concrete with blood pooling around him, he wanted to puke too. The world felt like it physically moved from under his feet. It tilted and swayed and Neil didn't fight it. He fell to his knees and crawled over to Andrew. People were still screaming around him and calling the police and trying to pull him back. But Neil kept crawling. He made it to Andrew and laid his head on his chest. Still breathing. It was faint but the shallow rise and fall of his chest was there. His blonde hair was tinged pink with blood and his arm was at an unnatural angle. But he was still breathing. Neil closed his eyes and screamed. He screamed until his voice broke. He screamed at Andrew to wake the fuck up and he screamed at whoever it was who tried to pull him off Andrew and he screamed at himself for being so stupid. For knowing. For _knowing_ something was off with Andrew. Something hadn't been right for weeks and he should've done more. Someone finally managed to pull him off when the paramedics arrived and started working on the broken body in front of him.

Neil rode to the hospital with Andrew and glared at anyone who asked if he was Andrew's family. If he was his brother. He let the butcher's smile slip free and no one questioned him after that. 

So here he was. Two days later and waiting for Andrew to wake up. They deemed his brain well enough to wake him from the coma, finally. The swelling had gone down and his brain activity was up. The doctors said they had no idea what kind of damage he might have sustained until he was up and coherent. His arm would heal and he'd be able to play exy just as well as he did before. Neil knew Andrew would be annoyed with him for even asking, but he was signed in Denver and Neil didn't want him to lose that. Even if he wouldn't be next to Andrew while he did it.

It was a few days after being brought out of the coma before Andrew was awake and aware enough to talk. When Andrew started to stir on the third day, Neil jumped from the chair. He put his hand in Andrew's and squeezed, and nearly cried with relief when Andrew squeezed back. 

Andrew opened his eyes slowly and squinted up at Neil. His brows bunched together in confusion. 

"Who...who the hell are you?"

Neil's mouth dropped open on a strangled cry and his heart was trying to beat it's way out of his chest. 

"Andrew...it's Neil. It's me. I'm here."

"I know idiot, you just looked like you could use a reminder."

Neil gaped before closing his mouth and narrowing his eyes. "Even fresh out of a coma you're still an asshole."

"Coma?" Andrew really did look confused now.

"Yeah. They had to put you under after you fell to give your brain time to heal. Do you remember falling?"

****

Andrew willed his face to go perfectly blank. He did not remember falling. He remembered jumping. He remembered Neil walking away. He remembered crossing his fingers that he would not be in this exact situation and cursed himself for being so impulsive and less prepared. 

He took his hand from Neil's and turned his head. "Go away."

"No," Neil said, angry now, "Tell me you didn't jump, Andrew. Tell me this was an accident."

"I don't have to tell you anything. You're done, remember?"

Maybe it was the fall or the meds or the whole coma thing, but Andrew was suddenly very afraid he was going to cry. He didn't remember the last time he had let himself weep and he sure as shit wasn't about to start now. He needed Neil to leave. To get the fuck out of this room and this hospital and fox tower and probably South Carolina just to be safe. 

"Andrew, come on. I hated walking away from you. I just don't know sometimes. I don't know if you're as serious as I am about this and sometimes it feels like it would be easier to walk away from you before you can walk away from me. I'm terrified of next year. I'm terrified of losing you. I never get to keep anything good. Even my game belongs to someone else. You're the only thing that's ever been mine, that's ever been good."

Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, that's so fucking fantastic because now Andrew really was crying. Before he could stop himself his face had crumpled and he tried to curl up on his side, to shield himself from this and from Neil. But the wires and tubes made it impossible and all he could manage was covering his face before he completely lost control and found himself sobbing.

He didn't even know why he was crying and he was so fucking mad at himself and that made him cry harder. He hated it. It felt like being violated all over again. To have Neil witness this.

Neil tried to grab Andrew's wrists to pry his hands away from his face.

"Don't fucking touch me. Just leave. Get the fuck out. I can't stand to look at you."

"No. I'm not going fucking anywhere until you look at me and talk to me, Andrew. Just _talk to me_." 

Andrew slowly lowered his hands and turned to look at Neil. He was wrecked. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. His hair was a mess and his clothes were rumpled and dark circles made his blue eyes heartbreakingly bright. 

"You were right to walk away. I've never been good enough for you. The entire team has been telling you that for years. It was bound to sink in eventually, even for an idiot like you. I'm a mess, Neil. I'm fucked up and angry and _wrong_. I will never be a whole person. Just...just leave."

"Of course you're not a whole person."

Andrew let out a choked laugh. He didn't know why he expected anything different to come out of Neil's mouth.

"Do you think _I'm_ a whole fucking person? Of course I'm not. Neither of us are. We're fucked, Andrew. We've been tortured and abused and beaten down again and again and again. The world will always work against people like us because it refuses to acknowledge that we can be functioning members of society. We're not whole people by ourselves but we were starting to be whole _together_. Why can't you fucking see that? Why can't you see that the reason we work so well together is that we're both so incredibly broken. Our jagged edges fit, Andrew. Whether you want to acknowledge that or not we fucking _fit_ and fuck you for trying to throw that away."

"I'm not the one who walked away! I'm not the one who said I was done!"

"YOU DIDN'T STOP ME!” Neil was screaming. His face was red and he threw his arms out to the side as if to encompass his entire being. They were both breathing hard and staring each other down, as if daring the other to try and justify this.

Andrew looked away again and the tears were angry now. He couldn't rein it in. He couldn't take them back. He knew why he was crying now. He was crying because he _was_ broken and that's why he wanted to die. That's what made him jump. He was crying for himself when he had never cried for anything. He was crying for the little boy who was confused and hurt and didn't understand. He was crying for the child who said _pleasepleaseplease_ over and over again to no avail. He was crying for the teenager who cut his arms to shreds at night after Drake left him broken and bleeding. He cried for the brother he lost and never even had a chance at knowing. He cried for the cousin who tried to fix him but never could because nothing can fix this. Not really.

He cried for himself and Neil. What they could've been to each other. For the nights filled with _yes or no_ and the road trips and the house in Columbia and the bottom bunk where Andrew let Neil push him down and take him apart for the first time. For the trust they had built up and the unconditional loyalty he didn't think he would ever be able to find in another person. 

He turned his head back to Neil and grabbed the hand that was closest to him. 

"Stay. _Please_."

****

Neil sucked in a breath and his eyes went wide. He gripped Andrew's hand so tightly he had to force himself to let go. Andrew had just said please and Andrew was crying and Andrew was asking him to stay. Again. Now Neil was crying, too and he didn't give a shit.

"Of course I'm staying, you jack ass. Who else is going to take care of you? You'd murder Nicky within an hour."

"An hour? You have too much faith in me."

"Probably."

Andrew pulled Neil's hand to bring him in closer. Neil held back, not wanting to hurt Andrew or accidentally pull out a wire. Andrew huffed with impatience.

"Come here, idiot."

The kiss lasted a few seconds and an entire lifetime and more was said inside of it than they could probably ever hope to choke out themselves. 

Neil was right. They were both broken boys who turned into broken men who could start to piece themselves together slowly, if they really wanted. If they tried hard enough to just let it happen. 

Andrew scooted to the other side of the bed until there was enough room. Neil kicked off his sneakers and carefully climbed in. He laid his head on Andrew's shoulder while Andrew wrapped an arm around him and pressed a kiss to his temple. 

"You stayed."

Neil buried his face into Andrews chest and let his tears soak in to the blue hospital gown before he took a deep breath to reply.

"Always."


	2. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the beginning of our boys really having to come to terms with Andrew's attempt and trying to figure out what this means for the future. It's going to be bumpy. :[

Andrew spent another two weeks in the hospital, despite his creative curse fueled protestations. He refused to talk to any of the one thousand psychologists that were marched through his room except to say “I fell. It was an accident. I was drunk. If you don’t let me the fuck out of here I _will_ kill myself.”

It was a lie, of course. But he’s learned in life that people don’t necessarily want to hear the truth from you. They ask if you’re okay because they want to make _themselves_ feel better when you answer in the affirmative. Most people in this world would have no idea what to do if Andrew told them the truth of how he was doing. Which was not very well at all.

Once he and Neil got their shit out of the way and both understood and accepted that this thing between them wasn’t going anywhere, they were both faced with the very real fact that Andrew had tried to kill himself. Andrew had wanted to die. Andrew was not okay.

“I know you don’t want to talk to any of these people, but you need to talk to someone,” Neil said. He’d been at the hospital every single day since it happened. He’d slept there and eaten there and only went to class when he absolutely couldn’t avoid a test. It was the beginning of March and the season was already over for the foxes, but Neil had not been to practice once this entire time. Andrew didn’t know what to do with that knowledge. He tried to pretend he was sick of Neil just to hide how incredibly vulnerable and grateful it made him feel. He was sick of feeling anything.

“All these assholes want is to shove pills down my throat and push me out the door. I’m not doing that again. I’m not taking those pills and existing on a plane of insanity and numbness. I won’t fucking do it again and don’t you dare fucking ask me to.”

“I would never ask you to. I’m the one who wanted you off the pills to begin with, remember?”

Andrew did not remember. It was a blur of Drake and a sheet wrapped around shoulders and a hand under Neil’s shirt and Proust. Proust who bit his scars and taped his abuse and made Andrew relive every fucked-up thing that had ever been done to him. He took a deep breath.

“I’ll talk to Bee if they ever let me out of here. I don’t need anyone else.”

“Fine. But don’t rule out medication because the one you were forced to take didn’t work for you. Some people _need_ medication. There’s nothing wrong with taking it to help yourself get through life.”

Andrew didn’t answer. He knew this. He was not an idiot. He just knew with his particular brand of fucked up brain, medication was not an option he wanted to explore.

Once Andrew told the doctors he would talk to his own therapist, they agreed to release him the next day. They came and gave him all sorts of pills for pain and infection and went over what they were for and when he should take them. It was too much noise. There was a buzzing in his head and the lights were too bright and the clothes Neil brought him were itchy and rough on his skin. He stared out of the window while Neil nodded along with the doctors’ instructions.

Neil insisted on driving as they walked out of the hospital and a flare of anger took hold of Andrew.

“I’m not an invalid. Nothing has changed. I can drive my own fucking car.”

“You have a broken arm, genius. Just sit in the car and relax for once in your life. We’re going to Columbia and you shouldn’t be driving that far.

“Why Columbia?”

“Because as soon as you set foot on campus Nicky is going to fall all over himself to get to you and that’s something I don’t want to see.”

He didn’t mention that he knew Andrew couldn’t handle the attention right then. It was bad enough when Nicky showed up to the hospital and laid his head on the edge of the bed and cried. And cried. And cried until Andrew told him to get the fuck out if he was going to flood the whole damn hospital.

Nicky knew it wasn’t an accident. Andrew didn’t know how. He was sure Neil would never betray that secret. But Nicky knew. He wrote Andrew a letter because he also knew that Andrew would not sit there and listen to whatever blubbering mess came out of his mouth.

He hadn’t read the letter yet. It was burning a hole in his pocket, but his head wasn’t on straight enough to deal with it.

The drive to Columbia was mostly quiet. Neil handed Andrew his phone when they got in the car, but he didn’t turn it on. He didn’t think he could handle messages of concern.

“How long are we staying?”

Neil looked over at him and Andrew squeezed the phone a little tighter at the sun filtering through the strands of auburn curls. _You don't deserve this._

“However long it takes, I suppose,” Neil shrugged.

“However long what takes?”

“You feeling like you can deal with people.”

Andrew almost laughed at that. When has he ever felt like he could deal with people?

They stopped at a grocery store for supplies and wound up at the Columbia house mid-day.

“Why don’t you go take a shower. I’ll make something for lunch,” Neil said.

Andrew grunted in response and made his way to the shower to get the smell of hospital out of his hair.

****

Neil set to putting away the groceries and figuring out something for lunch. He settled on grilled cheese sandwiches as something quick and easy and something he knew Andrew would eat. He sent a quick text to Wymack that Andrew was out and they would be in Columbia for a few days, trusting him to get the word out.

_Take what time you need. The team will be here when you get back. Let me know if you need anything._

His mind was a mess as he was cooking. He’d been trying to keep it together for Andrew’s sake. This whole situation wasn’t about him. It was about Andrew and the demons he was dealing with and Neil just didn’t know what he would’ve done if Andrew had succeeded. He couldn’t even fathom the consequences. He couldn’t imagine staying at PSU or staying in South Carolina period. He probably would’ve run as far and as fast as he could, a new name and look coming along with him. FBI be damned. Moriyama’s be damned. He wasn’t lying when he said his sense of self-preservation was too ingrained in him to consider suicide. He worked so hard for so long to stay alive, he couldn’t imagine purposefully ending things. But he imagined if Andrew had been successful, he would’ve thought about it a little harder.

He honestly didn’t know what to do. He felt like they needed to talk more about the entire situation, but he didn’t want to risk Andrew shutting down. He didn’t want to leave Andrew alone, for obvious reasons. They talked about their issues a bit in the hospital and Neil felt okay about their…about _them_. He’s not vain enough to assume the thought of Neil leaving was the only thing to push Andrew to jump. Andrew had been on a downward slope before then. But he was also terrified that this would happen again. What would happen a year from now if they got into another argument? Was he going to have to live life afraid that Andrew would try again if Neil made the wrong move? He couldn’t imagine ever willingly leaving Andrew’s side, but what if something insane happened and he felt like it was the only option? Would he be forced to stay for fear of Andrew jumping again?

“Something burning?” Andrew drawled from the doorway of the kitchen.

“Shit.”

Neil quickly took the blackened sandwich from the pan and handed Andrew the first one he made. The first one is always the best one.

“Got things on your mind, Neil?”

_Yes_ , Neil thought. _You._

“No. Just tired, I guess.”

Andrew hummed a little at that. All blank eyes and empty face. He took his sandwich in front of the TV.

****

Andrew felt heavy. His eyes were heavy and his body was heavy. Out loud he said he was just tired and he was. But it was a tired that went bone deep and made his brain fuzzy around the edges. He ate most of the sandwich Neil made after tearing it into tiny bite sized pieces and retreated to the bedroom to sleep. Neil squeezed his wrist once before he went.

Andrew couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned and his body was begging him to just lay still and go dark, but he couldn’t. His mind was racing and he didn’t know how to turn it off.

He didn’t know if he still wanted to die. He didn’t think so. He didn’t want to _want_ to die at any rate. The knowledge that Neil wanted this and wanted to stay helped, but he knew logically he couldn’t put the whole of his mental health in Neil’s hands. That wasn’t fair to either of them. Life had dealt him a shit hand and until now he’d always just assumed it was what the universe thought he deserved. Maybe he really was a psychopath like everyone says. He didn't feel like a psychopath, but crazy people don’t know they’re crazy, right? Maybe he would’ve been a normal person if it wasn’t for Tilda. If she had kept both he and Aaron and raised them together and been a good mother. He’d never know, he supposed. He’s always hated Tilda, but at that moment the hate was so overwhelming he threw the blankets off himself and sat up on the bed. He put his head in his hands and willed himself to calm down when he heard the bedroom door open.

Neil walked in and stopped short.

“Sorry. I thought you’d be asleep and I just wanted to grab some clothes for a shower.” He took a good look at Andrew and asked, “What do you need?”

Not _‘Are you okay?’_ or _‘What’s wrong?’_ because he wouldn’t have gotten legitimate answers from those questions and he knew it.

“I don’t know,” Andrew answered honestly. “Can you just…just lay down with me for a few minutes.” He suddenly felt very stupid. “I got used to your bones poking me all night and you snoring in my ear in the hospital and now I can’t sleep. Thanks for that.”

He wouldn’t say it, but it helped to have Neil close by. He knew he was safe and calm and within arms reach. Neil took off his jeans before he laid down so he was in his boxers and shirt.

“Is this okay?” He asked, suddenly nervous. “Just want to get comfortable.”

“It’s fine. Just get in.” Andrew scooted to the edge of the bed and lifted the blankets for Neil to climb in. Once he was in the bed and under the blankets with Andrew, they faced each other. Cheeks pillowed on hands, close enough to touch but neither one made a move. After a few minutes Andrew placed the hand not wrapped in a cast between them, palm side up and Neil knew what he was after.

Neil shifted just enough to take Andrew’s hand in both of his and started to slowly massage his palm. He used his thumb to push deep strokes up the heel of Andrew’s hand and over his fingers.

Andrew found it suddenly very hard to keep his eyes open. The last thing he saw before he dropped off was Neil’s face and the last thing he thought was ‘home’.


	3. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew has a session with Bee where they try to define his relationship with Neil. Super short chapter, but I wanted to get it up!

Andrew stood in front of Bee’s shelves of crystal figurines as she prepared hot cocoa for them both. He picked up a bee figurine. The first one he ever bought her. He held it in his hand and let his warmth sink in to the cold crystal. He watched as the light from the window sent rainbows over his hand and sleeve. He could crush it if he squeezed just a little harder. Turn something beautiful into dust.

“My collection has grown quite lovely, don’t you think?” Bee asked him.

“It’s flourishing, Bee. Much like the number of idiots I have to deal with on a daily basis.”

Bee’s lips curled into a small smile at that. They took their usual spots, Andrew on the couch and Bee in the armchair. He’d had a few phone sessions with Bee since he was released from the hospital. She wanted him to go into an inpatient treatment program. To take the rest of the semester off. He just wanted to live his life like nothing happened.

This was the first session where he was face to face with Bee, and he was a little surprised at how much better it felt to be in the room with her instead of listening to her over the phone.

“How has being back on campus been?”

“Same bullshit as always.”

Bee hummed a little at that. It had been practically unbearable, and he suddenly had no idea why he was lying to Bee about it. He told himself he was going to take this seriously. He owed Neil that much. He owed himself that much, really. He wanted to pretend like nothing happened but he also wanted nothing to happen again.

He breathed a heavy sigh. “I can’t stand too much noise. I can’t stand how bright the sun is in the morning. I can’t stand more than one person talking at a time. I don’t know if my brain is broken from…from before or if my bullshit meter is broken from life but it’s making me feel insane.”

“Well, you’re certainly not insane. You’re overstimulated,” Bee explained. “Sometimes when we’re already feeling anxious, the stimulus of the world can have a jarring effect. Would you like to discuss some ways to distance yourself from the stimulation when you’re feeling keyed up?”

“I guess. All I do right now is go to class and come back to the dorm. I haven’t been going to the court or to Columbia or anywhere, really. I can’t stand the thought of so many people.” Andrew was annoyed just thinking about it.

“Have you thought about going to those places with only a couple of people you trust? I’m afraid crowds in classes are unavoidable, and I know you have midterms coming up, so I wouldn’t ask you to miss them. You would be excused if you allowed the faculty the privilege of knowing why exactly you were hospitalized, but I understand your need to keep this to a small circle of trusted individuals. But perhaps asking Neil or Aaron to come with you to the court would help prepare you for going with a large group of people.”

“Aaron? Aaron hasn’t talked to me since it happened.” He didn’t need to explain was ‘it’ was.

“Why do you think that is?”

“How should I know? You’d think I pushed _him_ off the roof or something,” Which honestly didn’t seem like a horrible idea some of the time. “Nicky keeps telling me to ‘ _give him time’_ like he’s going through a major crisis. He didn’t care before this and I don’t see why he would care now.”

“I think you’re wrong about him not caring. I think the issue is that he does care, and he doesn’t quite know how to communicate that. You’re both a little lacking in that area, I’m afraid.”

Andrew wants to be offended, but Bee has a twinkle in her eye and a soft smile on her lips that lets him know it’s not his fault, not really.

“I’m trying. With Neil. I don’t know how to try with Aaron.”

“Let’s talk about Neil and come back to Aaron, then. How is he handling things since your attempt?”

Andrew was glad Bee called the situation what it was. Everyone had been referring to it as his “accident” and even though he knew to most people that’s what it was, it still annoyed him. As if he’d be stupid enough to get drunk and stumble off the roof.

He was just stupid enough to jump, that’s all.

“He’s hard to read sometimes. He’s been…” Andrew tried to think of a way to put words to the situation that wouldn’t make him sound absolutely pathetic. He ended up just fucking saying it.

“He’s been…there. Around. I can stand it, if it’s him. He makes me feel calm when my mind won’t stop racing. Most of the time. He's still an idiot.”

Bee laughed at that. “That’s great. I’m glad he’s a source of stability for you. Have you talked about what happened on the roof leading up to your decision? The argument you had?”

Andrew chewed on his bottom lip. Tried to cross him arms across his chest before remembering the cast and his leg bounced incessantly. They did talk about it in the hospital. Andrew still felt the heavy weight of shame at the thought of him completely losing his shit and crying all over the place. Even if he did feel better after. Even if it did put some things in to perspective for him.

“Yes. In the hospital. We both want this…whatever this is.”

“Why do you think you have such a problem defining what it is between you? Why not use 'boyfriend' when talking about Neil? Is that not what he is?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know, Bee. I don’t like the word boyfriend and what it implies,” Andrew took a pen out of his pocket and clicked the top a few times and started to spin it around in his fingers. It was one of Bee’s tricks. To give his hands and brain something to concentrate on when his anxiety was threatening to spill over.

“It’s a perfectly appropriate term for a lot of committed relationships.” She says. “What exactly is it that you think it implies?”  

“That this is fleeting. It’s a temporary stop. It’s not that the word is too big. I know that’s what everyone thinks. That I’m not really committed because I won’t define it for the comfort of other people. It’s not too big. It’s just not...it.”

“Okay. That’s a very insightful way of thinking about it. What about the term 'partner'?”

“What about nothing? Why the fuck are people so obsessed with labels? Neil doesn’t care so why should anyone else?” Andrew huffed and put the pen away. He’d just managed within the last year to even think about whatever this was between them as a _‘this’_. It’s a this and it’s almost tangible and he knew he didn’t want to be without _this_. Wasn’t that enough?

“Are you sure he doesn’t care? Do you think maybe it would ease some of his insecurities about you leaving if he had a way to define what you are to him when talking to others? And you for him?”

Andrew took a few deep breaths and focused on what was in front of him. He knew Neil was worried about him leaving for Denver. Not necessarily about them not making it in the long run, just about having to be so far apart for so long when they’ve come to lean on each other so much.

Andrew thought about that. He supposed it would be more convenient to be able to say ‘my partner’ instead of ‘Neil’ when people have no idea who he is. And partner really did seem more fitting. That’s what they were, really. Partners in life and in their struggles and in their successes. Partners at 3AM when one of them has had a nightmare about their fucked-up past and they’re silently making decaf coffee while everyone else is asleep. Partners when one of them takes a walk off the edge of the roof and ends up in the hospital for a few weeks.

“I’ll think about it.” He said. Bee gave him a nod in acceptance.

“That’s great. I’m sure Neil will have some thoughtful input on the matter. He seems to love you very much.”

Andrew went still at that. He and Neil did not say the L word. Even if he thought it sometimes when they’re wrapped up in each other and the world seems very quiet. When Neil is massaging his palm or scratching his head the way he likes. When he’s moving his hips between Neil’s thighs and Neil looks up at him with all the lust and wonder and that one other emotion Andrew can’t really put his finger on. That one that he’s never let himself look too closely at.

“You seem uncomfortable. Do you not think Neil loves you?”

“Oh, Bee. You have to experience something to be able to recognize it in another person. No one has loved me in my entire miserable existence and the ones that said they did are the reason I’m in this room with you.” Not even Cass, Andrew thought. If she had really loved him, she wouldn’t have turned a blind eye to what Drake did to him night after night.

“So, you do not love Neil?”

“I don’t know what that fucking _means_.” Andrew was getting angry now. This was not the direction these sessions needed to go. He just needed to know how to not suddenly want to stop existing when he’s sitting in the middle of class and a memory hits him like a slap in the face. “I would die for Neil. I would take a bullet for him in a heartbeat. I would kill someone if he asked me to. Is that love? I don’t know. I don’t know, Bee. I would do the same for Nicky and Aaron.” He was getting loud without meaning to. “Is that what you’d call love, Bee?!”

“Yes, Andrew. I think that’s your version of love.”

****

Neil was laying on his bunk with Kevin’s laptop on his stomach watching an exy game when Andrew returned from his session with Betsey. Neil never asked what they talked about. Andrew was glad. He wouldn’t tell him if he did.

“How was your session?” Neil asked.

“Same as they always are.” Andrew sat on the edge of the mattress and Neil moved over to make room for him, setting the laptop down on the floor. Andrew laid down facing Neil, not saying anything. He wanted to have this conversation, but he didn’t even know how to start. He was doing this for Neil, really. For him to have some peace of mind when Andrew isn’t within arm’s reach anymore. He did not think about how the entire drive from Betsey’s office back to the dorm, he nursed the warm feeling in his chest when he thought about it. Probably just left-over anxiety, after all.

“What do you think this is?” Andrew tried.

“What?”

“Us, I mean. What do you think we are?”

Neil raised an eyebrow at that but went contemplative for a few seconds. Andrew stayed quiet and let him think. He snaked a hand across the bed and brushed some of Neil’s curls out of his face, tucking them behind his ear. Neil forever needs a haircut.

“We’re…together. I don’t really know what to call it beyond that. I don’t want to be with anyone else and I _hope_ you don’t either?” Neil catches Andrew’s hand as he starts to pull it away.

“If I did I would be.”

“So, we’re together. Are you asking me to define it? Like…boyfriends or something? That doesn’t sound right. I don’t really know why.”

“It’s too inadequate of a word.” Andrew said. That was what he was trying to tell Betsey.

“Yes. It seems…small.”

“What about partner?” Andrew held his breath.

“Partner? Andrew, where is this coming from? You’ve never felt the need to put a label on this before now. If you’re trying to prove something to me after what happened –“

“I’m not. It’s just…I won’t be here next year. It just seems like it would be easier to have a way to define this when we come up in conversation to other people. I’m going to have to disclose this to management and PR people once I’m in Denver. I don’t give a fuck what other people think about us and our relationship. I don’t need to define this. I just wondered if you agreed. That it would be easier.”

Andrew was rambling, and he shut his mouth before he could get too carried away. He hadn’t spoken so many words to Neil at one time since the hospital. It was exhausting caring so fucking much and trying to pretend nothing got under his skin at the same time. It was so much easier when he really didn’t care about anything.

“Partner,” Neil says again. As if trying the way it feels rolling around in his mouth. “Okay. It seems…fitting. Definitely better than boyfriend.”

_My partner, Neil._

Andrew can admit silently that he likes the way it sounds in his head.

“Yes or no?” He asked Neil. They haven’t been physical more than kissing since everything happened. Andrew wasn’t ready to let himself be that vulnerable yet. He still feels raw. But the closeness helped, most of the time. They generally don’t need a yes or no for kissing anymore, but it felt important right now for some reason.

“Yes.”

The kiss started soft. Just a brush of lips. Neil taking care not to jostle Andrew’s arm too much. Taking care not to jostle Andrew too much. Slow movements and light touches. But it morphed into something deeper when Neil let out a contended sigh against Andrew’s mouth. He opened for Andrew when he swiped his tongue along Neil’s bottom lip, and Andrew _wants_.

He stopped the kiss before it could go further. He didn’t want to push this, not yet.

He sighed and pulled Neil onto his chest. He knew if he kept going it would not end well and Neil would end up feeling guilty.

“I’m going to fall asleep if we stay like this.” Neil says against Andrew’s chest.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	4. Grateful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andrew has to have some hard conversations to start moving forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN. I know I'm taking liberties with Andrew's character here and how willing he is to speak some truths and open up, but I love soft Andreil. SO SUE ME. I felt like it would take something like almost dying to get him to open up, so here we are! 
> 
> Nicky mentions in this chapter that he caught our boys on the roof one time. This is based on a short fic I wrote and you can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16752982/chapters/39382522) if you'd like to read it!

Andrew was sitting in a bean bag playing a video game with Aaron while Neil was trying in vain to study for his math midterm. It was the first time Neil had seen them in the same room since the hospital. They hadn’t been to a session together since Andrew was released from the hospital, and as far as he knew they hadn’t said more than a few words to each other.

He knew he could go in the other room and shut the door and have some semblance of quiet, but he didn’t want to. This was an off day for Andrew. He could feel it.

That was the thing about Andrew. He didn’t know if anyone else felt it like he did, or if it was because he was so used to paying very close attention to every detail of Andrew’s existence. But he could walk in to a room and before even looking at Andrew, he could _feel_ his aura or energy or whatever one called it. These roiling waves of tension and discomfort and pain. It was in the set of his shoulders and the tilt of his head. Today had been one of those days, and Neil suspected Andrew was trying very hard to pretend like it was not.

Neil sighed heavily and slammed his book shut.

“There’s a whole other room in this dorm, you know.” Aaron said without looking at Neil.

“Thanks, jerk.”

Neil finally gave it up as a bad job and retreated to the bedroom. Maybe he could go through a few more of the files Wymack gave him of potential recruits for the team next year. They still hadn’t found a proper goalie replacement for Andrew, and Neil worried they never would.

He walked across the room to the dresser to look for the files. When he picked them up, a white envelope caught his eye. It was the letter Nicky had given Andrew when he was in the hospital. Still sealed. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands, as if the words would suddenly come to him if he stared at it long enough.

The door opened, and Andrew walked in.

“Reading someone’s mail is a federal crime,” Andrew said flatly.

“This isn’t mail. And since when do you think I give a shit about breaking the law?”

“Since the FBI watches you closely enough to know when you change your underwear, _Abram_.”

Neil’s lips twitched. He liked to think he could outsmart the FBI if he really wanted to. Which he does not.

“Are you ever going to read this? Nicky’s been avoiding you like the plague since we got back from Columbia. He comes here to sleep and that’s literally it. He probably thinks you read it and decided you were officially done with his shenanigans.”

“Open it then. Read it. I don’t care,” Andrew said, waving a hand toward the letter.

“Out loud?”

“Sure, why not? Your dulcet tones may just put me to sleep.”

Andrew was feigning nonchalance, but Neil thought maybe it would just be easier for him this way instead of having to read it himself. He watched as Andrew threw himself on the bottom bunk and draped his not broken arm over his eyes. Neil opened the letter and started to read:

_Andrew,_

_I have so many things I want to say to you, and I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve never made a secret of the fact that when I took you and Aaron in, my goal was to be able to show you what a family was. Well, it was partly to spare you from my insane zealot parents (you’re welcome you little shit), but mostly it was so you’d feel like you belonged somewhere. I don’t know if you ever felt like you belonged with us, but you do._

_I know this was not an accident. I know leading up to that day, you were not well. I left it to Neil to handle because I’m a coward and it was easier than trying to deal with it myself and getting shot down over and over. I didn’t do enough and I didn’t act like family and I’m sorry._

_I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you were growing up. I know I couldn’t have done anything and I didn’t even know you existed for most of it, but I still hate that I wasn’t able to protect you. I only know a little of what you went through, but it’s enough to know how incredibly fucking strong you are. I was never as strong as you. I dealt with shit, but not near what you did and it still took me fleeing the country and finding Erik to be able to handle it. I just really hope you remember that in the future. That you’ve always been a rock solid (if incredibly moody) presence in our lives. We all have our moments of doubt and weakness, but I know you’re going to come out on the other side of this even stronger than you were before._

_I know you know this because I’m nothing if not a fabulously expressive cousin, but I’m so glad you have Neil. I saw you on the roof together once. Knee to knee and heads bowed. And I knew then that he would be the one to break through the ice, and I’m glad of it. But you have to know that you have more in your life than that one (very adorable) relationship._

_I’m sorry to have to do this to you and try to make you feel things because I feel SO MANY things, but I love you, Andrew. So much. And even though it’s impossible to get you two on the same plane of thinking most of the time, I know Aaron loves you too. He was terrified when he found you. He was sick the entire time you were being looked at until we got the news that you would be okay. It was like a piece of his soul was dying, and there’s no way he’s that good of an actor (hello hi I’m the resident drama queen cousin). Renee loves you. Wymack loves you. Hell, I suspect even Kevin loves you in a really fucked up way which includes letting you know why you missed a goal and what you can do to improve the next time._

_I don’t know what kind of guardian I was for you. I tried being the cool big brother “come work at the club I work at I’ll sneak you drinks” cousin. But I also tried to make it known that you could both come to me if you needed to. It always seemed like you took care of Aaron and me more than I took care of you guys (I think that’s why you like Neil so much. He needs someone to stop him from being such a wreck most of the time). I should have tried harder. Should have done more. I’m sorry for that. But please know that you can come to me with anything. Even if it’s just someone to sit next to while you brood, I promise not to annoy you incessantly about Erik or graduation or Erik._

_Anyway. This is long and rambling just like me. How appropriate. I love you and I’m here. That’s all I really wanted to say._

_Your beautiful Mexican God of a Cousin,_

_Nicky_

Neil looked up from the letter. Andrew was in the same position he was in when Neil started reading, arm still over his eyes.

“You should talk to him.”

Andrew didn’t say anything. He rolled on to his side and curled up in to a ball. He brought the blanket up around him until only his hair was visible over the top. Neil walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. He reached out and put his fingers in Andrew’s hair.

“Is this okay?”

Andrew grunted which Neil took as assent, and Neil started scratching his scalp slowly. He felt Andrew’s body relaxing slightly further into the mattress. They stayed like that for a long while until Neil thought Andrew had fallen asleep. He started to take his hand away when Andrew said “Don’t.”

So, he didn’t.

“I know I need to talk to him. He’s just exhausting.”

“Maybe you could write him a letter back.”

“That sounds even more exhausting than smoking a cigarette silently while sitting next to him.”

Neil snorted at that. He knew Nicky felt guilty for what happened. Neil felt guilty, too. The weeks leading up to Andrew trying to kill himself were full of a mostly non-verbal Andrew. He was barely eating and was drinking more that he usually did. He was normally very careful of recognizing his limits, but Neil saw him drunk more in those weeks than he had the entire time he’d known Andrew. He stopped doing anything more than kissing with Neil, and even that was given out sparingly. Neil knew something was wrong. He knew something was eating at Andrew. But he didn’t know what to do about it. He knew Andrew wouldn’t want to talk about whatever it was, so he just tried to pretend like everything was normal and hoped he would come out of it eventually. He thought in the days leading up to the one on the roof that things were improving. Andrew had seemed a little more responsive, a little more aware. Obviously, he was wrong. He didn’t want to feel so helpless ever again.

“I want to sit in on a session with you and Betsey.”

“No.”

Neil stilled his fingers in Andrew’s hair. He knew that was coming, of course. But he wasn’t willing to give in on this one so easily.

“Listen. You were not okay before and you’re not okay now. I don’t know what I could’ve done, and I don’t want to be in that situation again. I want to feel like I can help somehow when I can tell you’re hurting. I feel useless most of the time. Like I know somethings wrong but there’s nothing I can do to fix it and fuck, Andrew. You’re my partner. I want to feel like I can help, like you help me when I’m fucked up.”

“You can’t _‘fix’_ me so don’t bother trying.”

“That’s not what I mean, and you know it. We both have shit that we go through, but you’re enough to pull me through most of the time. I’m not enough for you. I’m not being dramatic here, but there has to be something more. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to feel good. I want to help with that. That’s all.”

Andrew was quiet for a long time and Neil started to stew thinking Andrew was just going to ignore the whole conversation.

“Fine. We’ll go and you’ll ask her your questions but don’t expect me to start sharing my feelings or some shit after it’s over.” He curled in on himself a little tighter. Neil thought he suddenly looked very young curled in a ball and very tired with dark rings under his eyes. “I don’t want it to happen again, either. But none of this is on you. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to make sure my life is worth living.”

“I know. But I still want to understand.”

“Then we’ll go. Now get out so I can sleep.”

“You do know you’re in _my_ bed, right?” There were four beds in the room, for Andrew, Neil, Nicky and Robin, once Andrew insisted she stay in the room with them. Most nights they shared, but some nights they needed space.

“What? Are you sure?” Andrew gasped and looked around, feigning surprise. “That can’t possibly be right. Guess the bed will be full tonight.”

Neil smiled at that. He gave Andrew’s hair a tug and leaned in for a short kiss. “What’s going on with you today?”

“What?”

“Something’s off with you. I can tell. Want to tell me about it? I’ll scratch your head and everything.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and Neil thought for a minute he would roll over and ignore the question, but he answered instead.

“Bad dream last night. It’s whatever. Just…just tired.”

“Then get some sleep. I have to go to practice in a couple of hours, but I’ll pick up something for dinner,” Neil offered. Something to soothe Andrew’s soul. Which meant something with a lot of chocolate.

“Double chocolate fudge,” Andrew mumbled before rolling over and pulling the blanket over his head.

****

Andrew sent Nicky a text a few days later and told him to meet him at a diner on campus for coffee after his marketing class. He just wanted to get this out of the way. He had his session with Neil and Bee that afternoon and he knew he would put this off even longer if he waited until that was over.

He was dreading the joint session. It was going to be uncomfortable and Neil was going to use his caring face and Bee would smile sweetly and Andrew would be the monster in the room that everyone was trying to understand and fix. Part of him didn’t want to be fixed if it meant having to go through all of this. Part of him wished he _had_ died on that ground in front of fox tower. That the bushes hadn’t broken his fall. That he didn’t have to go through the exhausting process of giving a piece of his soul over to everyone he knew one by one just so they could feel like they understood him better.

But a bigger part of him knew he was being unfair. A bigger part of him was warmth and contentment, knowing that Neil was sticking with him through this. That he didn’t run away from Andrew after what happened. Because he could’ve so easily just decided he was done. But he didn’t. And Andrew was reminded again of his conversation with Betsey about Andrew’s version of love, and he wondered if maybe staying in one place was Neil’s version. He was suddenly very relieved when Nicky walked in. Andrew would rather deal with his cousin than sink deeper into self-reflection.

“Hey,” Nicky offered with a nervous smile. Andrew had only seen him a handful of times since he got back to campus, and Nicky avoided speaking directly to him. They shared a room, but Nicky had suddenly become very interested in every movie Aaron had in his dorm and mostly stayed away. Andrew was grateful. He expected Nicky to try and dote over him and cry over him after the scene he made in the hospital. He suspected Neil had something to do with Nicky’s subdued behavior.

“Hey back,” Andrew said.

A waitress came over to take their orders of coffee once she noticed Nicky join Andrew at the table. They sat in silence until she came back, Nicky nervously fidgeting and shooting Andrew hopeful smiles. Andrew finally broke the quiet after stirring an obscene amount of sugar in his coffee that would surely make Neil gag.

“I read your letter.”

“I’m glad. I meant it, you know. I know I can be a lot sometimes and I’m a mess and I’m drama personified but you and Aaron are family and I don’t know what I would do if something happened and I would do it all over again if I-“

“Stop,” Andrew said, holding up a hand. “For the love of god, Nicky.”

“Sorry.” Nicky gave another shaky smile.

Andrew took a deep breath. Two deep breaths. Three before he felt like he could do this.

“Listen, you know I’m shit at this. I’m trying here.” Andrew said through gritted teeth. _Spit it out_ , he thinks to himself. “You were a fine guardian for Aaron and me. Even if we didn’t tell you that. We would’ve been in a fucked-up situation if we ended up with your parents. I know you didn’t know I was gay at the time, but after seeing what you went through with them, I can only imagine I would’ve ended up murdering Luther before it was over and then where would I be?”

“No. I had no idea you were such a disaster gay at the time.” Nicky laughed and Andrew rolled his eyes.

“You left Erik and you stayed when we got the scholarships and honestly, Nicky…” Andrew closed his eyes and steeled himself because he just knew what he was going to say next was going to send Nicky into hysterics. “You were a good role model for a gay teenager to have. You were in a committed relationship and you were never ashamed or tried to hide who you are. I’ve never been open with my sexuality, but I’ve never tried to keep it a secret. It’s just something that’s part of me and it’s not something I feel like opening up for discussion. It’s no one else’s business. I had to come to terms with my sexuality in juvie after wondering if something was wrong with me. All of my sexual experience with men had been abuse and had been forced on me and realizing I am gay was not an easy pill to swallow. But seeing you be whatever the fuck you wanted to be helped with that.”

Nicky did not go in to hysterics. But he was crying a steady flow of tears. He lifted his hands to his face, covering his mouth and nose so all Andrew could see were big brown eyes, wide and wet.

“None of this is your fault.” He tried again, not sure he was really getting out what he was trying to say. “This is me. It’s my fucked-up issues and my fucked-up mind and no one can fix this but me. Not you. Not Aaron. Not Neil. I’m trying, okay? I don’t want to go through it again but I don’t want to put anyone else through it again either. Look at all the fucking talking I’ve had to do and I hope to never have to have a conversation like this with you ever again.”

Nicky stared at him wide eyed and teary for a few seconds. He dropped his hands slowly and reached one out halfway to Andrew as if unaware he was even doing it.

“Can…can I hug you?”

“For fuck’s sake, Nicky. I still carry knives, you know.”

“Okay, okay. It was worth a shot.” Nicky grinned, and Andrew got up to leave, his coffee half empty and a wad of crumpled bills thrown on the table. He stopped next to Nicky.

“Thank you.” It was for everything. For taking care of two idiot teenagers. For leaving his entire life in Germany behind to do it. For never giving up on Andrew even when Andrew made it known it was pointless. Even when Andrew treated him like shit because he wanted everyone else to have a taste of what he felt like 24 hours a day. He didn’t say all that though. He thought… _hoped_ Nicky knew.

“You’re welcome.”

****

Neil and Andrew sat on opposite ends of the couch, across from Betsey’s armchair. Andrew was in the corner with his arms crossed over his chest as well as he could with a cast and his knee bounced a quick staccato beat. Neil was on the other side, hands clasped between his knees and praying this was quick and painless, even though he knew better. Andrew had met with Nicky earlier in the day and Neil knew he was probably mentally exhausted.

“I’m so glad you’ve asked to join us Neil, and that you’ve allowed it, Andrew. I think it’ll be really great for both of you to get some things off your chest in a safe, neutral environment.”

Neither of them said anything. They sat staring at Betsey and counting breaths until she cleared her throat and continued.

“Neil, why don’t you tell me why you decided to join this session.”

Neil was expecting this question, of course. He had even practiced what he was going to say in his head. It was neat and polished and to the point and he couldn’t remember anything about it at the moment.

“Ah. Well. I just…I want to help Andrew, but I don’t really know how to do that.” He paused a moment. “And I don’t know what this means for us, in the future. I’m worried if we have another fight, or if we do end up breaking up…” Andrew’s knee went still, and Neil thought his breathing stuttered.

“Not that I want to break-up!” Neil was quick to add. “I don’t. Andrew is…he knows he’s the only person I’ve ever wanted a relationship with. I don’t see ever willingly being parted. But I’ve seen enough fucked up things in my life to know that it doesn’t always work out the way you plan. “

“I think those are valid concerns. You don’t want to feel like Andrew’s life is in your hands. Is that right?”

“Yes. I want to be strong for him but I don’t know that I can bear that weight.”

“Right. That’s a common question and concern among significant others. It’s easy to become resentful when you’re suddenly afraid to make your own truths known for fear of triggering the other person. Andrew, how are you feeling about Neil’s thoughts?”

Andrew uncrossed his arms and wiped his palms on his jeans. His white t-shirt was Neil’s, so it was too tight in the shoulders. Neil watched it stretch across his back as he leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands in front of him.

“I think it makes sense. And I hate that he feels that way. But I would never use this against him or threaten to kill myself anytime shit got hard. What happened…I don’t know what happened. But I snapped. I was so tired and I just didn’t want to be tired anymore. It had very little to do with Neil when it comes down to it. It was a feeling that had been building long before that night.”

Andrew stared down at his hands and Neil _ached_. His insides absolutely hurt with want. Want to help and want to heal and want to reach out and brush the hair out of Andrew’s eyes.

“Is there anything Neil can do when you’re having a bad day? Anything you’d like to share with him that works or doesn’t work?” Betsey asked.

Neil waited. He suddenly wished he’d brought something to write with to take notes.

Andrew shrugged. “Him just being there. It helps. Him being around. It helps that he can tell when I need space or when I need contact.” He takes a breath. “The only thing that I wish could be different is that he wouldn’t take so much of this burden on himself.” He shifted slightly to look at Neil. “This isn’t your burden to bear. I can see when you’re feeling helpless and it makes me feel even worse. Like I’m fucking this up, too. I don’t want to fuck this up.”

Neil’s hands were shaking. He didn’t really know why. He had to look away from Andrew for a minute to get his thoughts in order. He felt dangerously close to blurting some feelings that would probably make Andrew run as far and as fast as those muscular legs could carry him.

“I don’t want you to fuck this up, either.” Neil said.

Betsey chuckled at that and Andrew relaxed his frame slightly.

“I’ll try to not carry so much of the burden. I know this is on you, and while I want you to know that you can lean on me, I also want you to be able to carry yourself. I won’t be there in Denver next year.”

“I know.” Andrew said, looking at his hands.

“Andrew and I have been discussing strategies for when he’s in Colorado. I’ll let him decide if wants to share what those are with you. But just know that he’s working on it and try not to worry.” Betsey gave Neil a small smile and Neil nodded back gratefully.

“Neil, Andrew shared with me that you’ve started to refer to each other as ‘partner’. How do you feel about that?”

“Really good, actually. I didn’t think it really mattered so much. I mean…it still doesn’t. But it feels nice to put a name to what we are. We’ve been together almost 4 years so I guess it was time. It makes me feel good…about when he’s away. That we have that little bit more of a connection.”

“Andrew? What about you?”

Andrew was leaned back into the couch now. An ankle crossed over his knee and Neil could see the Christmas socks he got him last year poking out in between his black converse and his jeans.

“The same, I guess. I know I’m no good at talking about things. I don’t _want_ to talk about things. But I’m trying. So, I feel like this says something that maybe I wouldn’t be able to articulate well.”

“That’s very self-aware, Andrew. I’m proud of you,” Betsey did look proud, Neil thought. Andrew didn’t respond to her comment, but Neil noticed his head bow just a little.

“Anything else from either of you before we start discussing some strategies you can use together?” Betsey asked.

Andrew looked to Neil again and put his hand palm up on the couch between them. Neil looked at it, then back up at Andrew raising his brow in question. When Andrew gave a slight nod, Neil took his hand.

“I’m glad I have you.”

Neil squeezed. “Me, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to put this up quickly, so I apologize for any mistakes! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	5. Sacrifice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Andrew have a healing weekend in Columbia, only to realize that some demons can strike at any time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO this chapter starts out super nice and super explicit before going super dark and super angsty. Warnings for sexual content and self harm.
> 
> I wrote a chapter called Please in my shorts about Andrew's journey with cutting. You can find it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16752982/chapters/39408124) if you'd like to read it!

Andrew got his cast off a week later and the first thing Neil did was try to convince him to come to the court. He had been having more good days lately, since their joint session. He was trying to take Bee’s advice to heart and let Neil in a little more. He thought it was helping.

The team whistled and cheered when Andrew walked into the lounge and Andrew sent them all a death glare before taking his spot on the middle cushion of the couch.

“Hey, Minyard! Have a nice _trip_?” Jack, the foxes most obnoxious striker, grinned at Andrew from across the room.

“Shut the fuck up, Jack.” Everyone went quiet and turned to look at Aaron. He was sitting in the chair at the end of the couch, looking as surly as ever. “No one wants to hear your bullshit today.”

Andrew looked at Aaron with a raised brow to try and figure out his angle. Was he just in a bad mood? Did the cheerleader piss him off? He couldn’t possibly be _defending_ Andrew. Wymack walked in before he could puzzle it out.

“Minyard, I expect you in goal today. Just because you got a fancy pro deal doesn’t mean you get to slack off.”

Andrew kept his mouth shut and he could see Neil grinning from the seat next to him on the couch. _Junkie._

“And welcome back,” Wymack said, softer this time.

“Don’t get tender on me now, Coach. I need your tough love and gruff exterior to get me through the day.”

“Just get your damn gear on and get out of my face,” Wymack huffed before leaving the room and heading to the court.

Practice was relaxed. Since the season was over for the foxes they were only practicing a few days a week and Neil was taking it easy on them today. Andrew wasn’t sure if it was because it was his first day back or if it was because he was in a good mood, but Captain Josten was positively agreeable during drills.

Andrew kept an eye on Neil during the scrimmage, as he usually did. This was like a dance for him, Andrew thought. He watched as Neil’s lean body twisted into throws and ran across the court. He spun to avoid the backliners and ducked out of the way to score a goal. Even the way he held his racquet, like it was an extension of his arm, like it flowed from his body. Andrew missed that body under his hands.

On the way out of the court Andrew pulled Neil back.

“Let’s go to Columbia.”

“Right now? With Nicky and Aaron?”

It was Friday night so if Andrew and Neil were going to Columbia, Nicky and Aaron would expect to go, too. Maybe even Robin, even though she usually preferred to stay on campus.

“No, just us. They can fuck off somewhere else.”

Neil smiled. “Okay. Just let me go pack some stuff for the weekend.”

They headed back to fox tower to pack a duffel bag. Andrew felt a strange satisfaction at watching Neil put their clothes in one bag together. He shook his head to clear his ridiculous thoughts before digging the ice cream and vodka out of the freezer and into a cooler.

Nicky walked in as they were walking out. He lit up when he saw the duffel bag thrown over Neil’s shoulder.

“Are we going to Columbia?! Thank GOD because I need a drink or 5. When are we leaving? I need at least an hour to primp.” He said all of this very quickly while dumping his bag and heading for the bedroom.

“WE aren’t leaving. Neil and I are going alone. You and Aaron can entertain each other this weekend.” Andrew said.

Nicky put a hand to his chest. “WOW. WOOOOOOW. Okay, sure I see how it is. You guys go be in love and have sex all over the house WHERE I RAISED YOU. Aaron is going to go have heteronormative sex with Katelyn all weekend. What am I supposed to do?!” Nicky whined. His pout really was impressive, Andrew thought.

“I don’t care.” Andrew said, as he shouldered past Nicky to get to the door. Neil gave him a shrug and headed out behind Andrew.

“Go hang out with Wymack. He’s still looking for your replacement.” Neil said, clapping Nicky on the shoulder.

“Et tu, Neil? Fine. Go. I’m eating all the ice cream while you’re gone.”

“We took it with us, asshole!” Andrew yelled from the hallway. Nicky let out a shout of outrage.

When Neil went to walk past him again, Nicky grabbed his arm and stage-whispered loud enough for Andrew to hear, “I’m glad you’re getting away. Don’t tell Andrew. There’s spare lube in my bedside table.” He let Neil go with a wink and Neil practically ran away from the other man before he could say anything else. Andrew was going to kill Nicky one of these days.

He made note of the lube, though. Just in case.

Neil finally joined him, walking out of the dorm with a grin on his face and a laugh on his lips. Andrew was suddenly very glad they had a whole weekend and a whole house to themselves.

****

Neil used his keys to unlock the door when they got there and carried their duffel in while Andrew brought the groceries they picked up. Andrew kicked the door shut behind him and made his way to the kitchen while Neil dropped the bag in their bedroom. He stared at the bed for a few minutes, thinking.

They hadn’t had sex in months. A quick handjob once or twice, but not much besides kissing since Andrew jumped off the roof. Even before then Andrew hadn’t really wanted to be touched much. Neil understood, and he would never push Andrew. But he missed him. He wanted him.

“Stop it.”

Neil jumped and whirled around. “Jesus fuck, Andrew. Turn off stealth mode for Christ’s sake.” He put a hand to his chest over his heart, which was threatening to escape from his ribcage.

“I could hear you brooding from the kitchen.”

“I don’t brood. That’s your area of expertise. I would never take that from you.”

“I’d let you have it, if you wanted it.”

“That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Neil said, hand still over his heart.

Andrew cocked his head to the side and studied Neil’s face. He leaned forward for a kiss, having to tilt his head up slightly while Neil bent his down. Their lips met and Andrew wrapped his arms around Neil’s neck.

When they pulled away, Neil put his forehead to Andrew’s. “I miss this,” he said on an exhale.

“I miss _you_ ,” Andrew replied.

“I’ve been here the whole time.”

“You have. But I haven’t.” Andrew crushed his mouth to Neil’s again.

The kiss became desperate. It was pent up energy and emotion and everything they had admitted out loud to each other these last few weeks and it was the things they were still too afraid to tell. Bitten lips and clashing teeth and hands pulling hair. Clothes discarded and thrown somewhere, _anywhere_ else. Andrew walked backwards, pushing Neil until his thighs hit the bed and he fell back on to it.

Andrew climbed on top of Neil, straddling his lap and pressing his hands to Neil’s chest. He paused, looking down at Neil. Breathing hard and hair disheveled.

“I want to fuck you. Yes or no, Neil?”

“Always yes,” Neil breathed. He knew better than to questions Andrew’s yes. They trusted each other to respect their own boundaries. Relief and want and anticipation rushed through him dizzyingly fast.

Andrew leaned down to kiss him again, and this time it was a little less desperate. It was slower and gentler that Neil was used to from his partner. Neil’s hands were resting beside his head without permission to touch yet, and Andrew ran his own hands up Neil’s arms and threaded their fingers together. Neil squeezed his hands and Andrew responded by grinding his erection against Neil’s.

“Fuck,” Neil hissed. “Fuck, Andrew. _Yes._ ”

Andrew reached over to the night stand to pull out a bottle of lube and tossed it on the bed next to Neil. He stood up off of Neil and stroked his cock a few times, honey eyes drinking him in. He went to his knees on the floor in between Neil’s thighs.

Neil ran a hand through Andrew’s hair, then along his cheek before bringing his face up to look him in the eye. They stay like that, stuck in the moment and drinking each other in until Andrew wrapped a hand around Neil’s shaft. Neil dropped his hand from Andrew’s face and collapsed back on the bed.

Andrew stroked Neil roughly, the way he knew Neil liked it. Neil heard the cap to the bottle of lube open and sucked in a breath at the feel of Andrew’s fingers at his entrance and his mouth wrapping around Neil’s cock. Neil held his breath until Andrew pushed a finger in. Two fingers in. Crooking them to rub against Neil’s prostate. He knew Neil’s body better than his own and he had memorized an exact map to this spot. Neil let out a low moan at the pleasure coiled at the base of his spine.

Andrew added another finger, still sucking and stroking Neil’s cock.

“Fuck, you’re tight,” Andrew said, nuzzling Neil’s cock to his face for a moment. Kissing the base of it and dragging his tongue up Neil’s length.

“Yeah, well it’s been a while,” Neil panted. “Now shut the fuck up and fuck me before I come.”

Andrew obliged him. He stood and rubbed some lube on his cock. Stroking slowly while he watched Neil writhe below him.

Andrew is short, but Neil suddenly thought of how big he seemed. He took up Neil’s entire field of vision, standing above him like this. Broad shoulders and broad chest and broad hands. Thick cock and heavy, honey eyes, drinking Neil in.

Andrew pushed Neil’s legs back until he was practically folded in half. He ran strong hands along Neil’s thighs, going slowly from knee to crotch, opening him up wider. He lined himself up with Neil’s entrance and pushed in slowly. Neil sucked in a breath at the familiar burn.

“Okay?” Andrew managed between gritted teeth.

“Yes, just do it, _go_.”

Andrew went. He pushed himself all the way in until his balls were flush against Neil’s ass and Neil let out a long moan while Andrew let out a low grunt. He took a minute to let Neil adjust, and then he started to move slowly.

He leaned forward and kissed Neil’s neck, and wrapped a hand in his auburn curls.

Neil wrapped his arms around Andrew’s shoulders at a nod of permission from him, and breathed him in. Cigarettes and body wash and that something else that was just unmistakably _Andrew_. He couldn’t stand this anymore. He needed to feel it. For it to hurt, just a little. He wanted to crack open Andrew’s chest and crawl inside, safe and warm.

“Fuck me, Andrew. _Harder._ ”

“Trying not to come here.” Andrew said through gritted teeth.

“I don’t care _GO_.”

Andrew picked up speed. He was slamming all the way in to Neil, skin slapping against skin. He lifted Neil’s hips enough for a deeper angle and Neil thought _finally_. He held on to Andrew and squeezed his eyes closed and let himself feel everything he’s tried to keep a leash on these weeks.

It was all the things that have happened over the last month and all the times Neil had wanted to shake Andrew into realizing how much Neil needed him and all the hope they had for their future together.

 Andrew reached in between their bodies to wrap his hand around Neil’s erection.

“ _fuckfuckfuckfuck_ ”

Neil lost it. He came arching his back and screaming Andrew’s name and squeezing Andrew’s shoulders. Andrew’s rhythm stuttered and slowed until he threw his head back with his eyes closed and he let out a moan that Neil thought was almost a sob. He shuddered and collapsed on top of Neil.

They both laid there for a few minutes, panting hard and staying quiet. Not caring about the mess. Neil squeezed Andrew’s shoulders a little tighter and closed his eyes. _This_ , he thinks. _I want this always_. It did not scare him. He felt certain and this felt right and Andrew felt like forever.

Andrew slowly got up and held a hand out to Neil to help him off the bed.

“Come on. Shower. Then you can figure out what you’re making me for dinner.”

“My dick in your throat wasn’t enough of a meal for you?”

Andrew stared at Neil for a second. “That smart fucking _mouth_ ,” He said before giving Neil a bruising kiss and pulling him into the shower.

****

They returned to campus and normal life that Monday. The trip to Columbia had been a respite. They spent the entire time just existing together beyond the reach of therapy and teammates and too close looks.

Now they were back on campus and Andrew could not sleep. His mind wouldn’t stop moving. It was racing and turning and sending hot streaks of anxiety down to his belly when his mind would land on a particular thought or memory. When he would think about the fall or Neil walking away or Drake’s hands on his skin.

He thought he was getting past it. He was working and moving and talking and he hated all of this shit. Hated how he could go from being so fucking _happy_ over the weekend to being a fucking mess all over again. He hated it, hated it, _hated it_. It wouldn’t fucking get out of his head. He couldn’t make it stop. Make it leave. Make it _GO_. He curled into a tight ball as far from Neil as possible. He ran his fingers through his hair and pulled hard enough to hurt.

It was 3AM when he finally gave it up as a bad job. He crawled over Neil, trying unsuccessfully not to wake him.

“Go back to sleep,” he told Neil, running a hand through his hair.

Neil mumbled and rolled over. Andrew took a minute to just look at him. He looked so young in his sleep. Sometimes, with all the shit they’d both had to face, Andrew forgot that they’re 22 and 23 years old. This was the time when they were supposed to be partying and getting into trouble.

They had the trouble part down, anyway.

Maybe if they both had normal upbringings. Maybe they were always destined to be in their mid-40’s by the time they turned 20. But Neil was right. They wouldn’t be the same people and they wouldn’t fit so well together if their pasts had been anything other than what they were. Andrew thought he would go through all the hell again if it brought him to Neil every time.

_You don’t deserve this._

He grabbed his jacket and stuffed his feet in his sneakers and made his way up to the roof. Once there, Andrew sat a little farther back from the edge than he normally would. He could still remember the relief and freedom of the fall.

He closed his eyes and reached into his pocket. His hand closed around the cold metal of an xacto knife. Andrew knew that this probably wasn’t a good idea. If anyone saw it would only cause more of an uproar which would mean more talking and more searching. But he needed something. He needed some relief, some distraction, some way to ease the pain inside his chest and the thoughts inside his head.

So, he pulled out the knife and shrugged off his jacket.

He hadn’t done this in so long. It started when he was with the Spears as a way to deal with Drake. As a way to keep his mind from racing. He hadn’t done it since he was sent to juvie. Had found other ways to cope without needing it or missing it. But now? Now he was desperate and it was the only thing he could think to do that didn’t involve him becoming addicted to something much harder to kick.

Andrew stared down at his bare arms. He’d left his armbands behind in the room on purpose. He wanted to see his skin. The scars that he already bore looked silvery in the moonlight. He put the blade to his arm and sat very still for what was probably seconds but seemed much longer.

He dragged the blade across his skin.

Red blood turned black by the shadows welled and Andrew loosed a breath. The relief was immediate and all consuming. The thoughts scattered like a flock of pigeons, just like he remembered.

He tilted his head back to the sky and took a few deep breaths before pressing the blade down again. And again.

****

Neil woke up alone in bed. He ran his hand over Andrew’s side and felt cold sheets and a cold pillow. He sat up and looked around. He vaguely remembered Andrew getting up and telling him to go back to sleep. But he usually came back to bed before too long.

He grew worried when he couldn’t find his partner in the dorm. He grabbed a jacket and shoes and peeked at the parking lot long enough to see that the masarati was still there. He made his way up to the roof.

The door was already cracked, so Neil pushed it open slowly enough not to startle Andrew, but quick enough for him to know Neil was there. He was standing near the edge of the roof and the sight of him took Neil’s breath away.

Andrew’s back was to Neil. Both hands at his sides, one holding a dangling cigarette and one holding something Neil couldn’t quite see. He only wore a white shirt and the pants he had gone to bed in. No jacket. The moonlight turned his blonde hair white and his shirt was a glowing flag in the darkness. A breeze was moving strands of his hair across his face, and even though Neil couldn’t see it, he could imagine the stoic expression he wore.

_He’s so fucking beautiful._

He stood there a little longer, waiting for Andrew to acknowledge him with a _‘staring’_ or ‘ _what do you want?’_ , but he didn’t. So, Neil took a step forward, and stopped dead in his tracks.

He could see it then. The dark streaks of _something_ on Andrew’s arms. It trailed down both and coursed over his hands. Neil was terribly confused until a sinking realization hit him. Blood. It was drying and not flowing so he knew it was nothing too deep, but it was definitely blood.

“Andrew,” Neil said, as calm as he could manage. He suddenly very much wanted Andrew further away from the edge. “What are you doing?”

Andrew turned his head then to look at Neil over his shoulder.

Andrew shrugged. “Chasing away the pigeons.”

Neil had no idea what Andrew was talking about. He stepped forward slowly. He could see now the small blade Andrew held in his hand. Could see the mostly dried blood on his arms. There was a terrible sinking in his gut and a burning in his eyes.

“Is this…are you…,” He can’t find the words to ask.

“Oh, Neil. If I wanted to kill myself again, I’d already be dead. This was just an experiment to see if it still helped with the thoughts.” Andrew tapped the side of his head with the hand still holding the blade. He stared at it for a moment and slipped it back into his pocket. Neil made a note to steal it later and trash it when Andrew wasn’t looking.

 Andrew looked out across campus again and took a deep drag off of his blood-stained cigarette. The cherry made his face glow red and he seemed terribly menacing for a beat. His voice went quieter as he said, “Sometimes I can’t make them stop. The memories and the feelings. This used to help.”

Neil swallowed hard and pushed the guilt to that place deep down where he tried to keep all his other useless emotions.

“Does it still help?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Andrew whispered.

Neil sighed and stood next to Andrew at the edge. He looked down to the spot where he found his partner. Where he screamed until he tore his throat. Where he saw his entire life crumble. It would not help Andrew for Neil to freak out right now. He said in their session that it was enough to have Neil close by. So, he’ll be close by.

“What was it like? The falling?”

Andrew looked at him from the corner of his eye.

“I’m shocked you have the balls to ask me that.”

Neil looked at him skeptically. “Are you?”

Andrew’s lip twitched. “No. I suppose I’m not.”

“Ignoring what happened obviously isn’t doing you any favors,” Neil shot back. “So, tell me. What was it like?”

Andrew thought about it for a few minutes before speaking.

“Do you know that feeling when you sneeze? When it’s been building and building and it finally releases? Like that. Like the biggest fucking relief I’ve ever felt in my life.”

Neil looked down again at the concrete and raised an eyebrow. “It felt…like a sneeze?” He had a hard time reconciling throwing yourself off the roof to something as inconsequential as a sneeze.

“Yes. Like a sneeze.”

“It couldn’t be…I don’t know. An orgasm? Isn’t that a more powerful feeling of relief than a sneeze?”

“I suppose the ones I give are.” Andrew nodded his head at that as if agreeing with himself and Neil rolled his eyes. He couldn’t even deny it, so he let it go.

Andrew took another drag before flicking the cigarette off the roof. He sat at the edge and Neil sat next to him.

“So, are we just pretending like you haven’t cut your arms up and ruined a perfectly good cigarette in the process?”

“For now, yes.”

“Okay,” Neil pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. He wouldn’t push this. Eventually, but not yet. Not when Andrew still had blood on his arms and a blade in his pocket. He stared across campus and the lights that made everything look like Christmas. “Do you think there’s anyone else on campus up on a roof right now?”

“Probably not. They all probably grew up happy and safe and loved and are tucked into their beds with sweet dreams of college funds and nepotism.”

Neil hummed at that and went quiet. Andrew shifted so they were a little closer together, shoulders touching. He seemed relaxed and Neil didn’t know what to make of that. He knew the cutting was a coping mechanism. He just didn’t expect something so destructive to work so well.

“Do you think about what it would’ve been like for us? If we had that upbringing?” Andrew asked.

“No. What’s the point?”

“Just wonder sometimes if you wish you could be somewhere else. Someone else. _With_ someone else.”

Neil was suddenly a little more aware of how this entire situation came about. He laid his head on Andrew’s shoulder.

“No. Not once. I mean, sure it’d be nice not belong to a Japanese crime syndicate and I’m sure all the child abuse really did a number on me. But no. I’m where I am exactly at this moment because of it all. I wouldn’t have you or the Foxes. I’d do it all over a thousand times, Andrew.”

Andrew rested his head on top of Neil’s and turned it just slightly to nuzzle Neil’s hair and breathed him in deeply for a moment.

“Me, too.”

****

Neil finally managed to coerce Andrew back downstairs. It was early morning, and the sky was beginning to lighten, making the cuts Andrew put on his arms look ghostly.

“Let’s clean you up.” Neil said, leading Andrew to the bathroom.

He gestured for Andrew to sit on the toilet and wet a hand towel with warm water. He went to his knees between Andrew’s thighs and began the task of cleaning his partner of the blood he sacrificed to his demons. Rubbing carefully but not gently, Neil managed to remove most of the blood and get a look at the cuts Andrew made.

They were thin and they were many. Up his arms with precise care. Deep enough for a good amount of blood, but shallow enough that they had already stopped bleeding.

Neil dropped the towel on the floor and wrapped his arms around Andrew’s waist. He laid his head on Andrew’s thigh and closed his eyes. After a moment, Andrew wrapped his still bloody arms around Neil’s shoulders and laid his head on top of Neil’s.

“This isn’t your fault. There isn’t anything you could’ve done. I just needed it to stop. For one minute I needed it to stop,” Andrew said. His voice was broken and muffled against Neil’s hair.

“I know. _I know._ I thought things were getting better. After Columbia…I thought maybe we were moving forward. I just…you can’t keep doing this, okay? I know it helps and I know you’re just trying to deal with shit, but you can’t destroy yourself in the process. It’s counter-productive. I know Betsey mentioned before about you going into an inpatient treatment-“

“No. I’m not putting myself in a hospital again. I’m not fucking doing it. Not after Easthaven. And one good weekend does not equal fixing a lifetime of being fucked up and a moment of jumping off a roof.” Andrew’s arms tightened around Neil for a moment, and Neil felt like it was his heart being squeezed.

“Okay. I get it. I do. But you have to address this, Andrew. Promise me.”

Andrew sighs. “I don’t like prom-“

 _“_ I don’t give a fuck. I really don’t right now. _Promise me.”_

Andrew leaned back and Neil lifted his head to look up at him. To look him right in those golden eyes, like a challenge. _You always keep your word. Give me this._

“I promise.”

They were quiet again for a few minutes and Neil laid his head back on Andrew’s thigh. Two men wrapped in each other, counting heartbeats and clinging to the edge of something big. Something that was going to create a new life and a new hope or something that would drag them both down together. Because whatever it was, it would be the two of them. That was the crux of the problem for them both. Andrew didn’t want Neil to go down with him, and Neil didn’t want Andrew to go down alone. This road was long and winding and bigger than either of them and the way to the end was paved with blood and broken dreams.


	6. Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Twinyard showdown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaron and Andrew get REAL. Content warning for mentions of cutting and past non-con.

Spring break had descended upon the PSU campus now that midterms were over, and Andrew woke on the couch to an empty dorm and a cooling cup of coffee next to his head on the table. There was a note from Neil tucked underneath that said he went for a run.

 _Of course you did_ , Andrew thought to himself. If he could figure out a way to remove Neil’s batteries, he would.

He sat up straight and took sip of the coffee. Sickeningly sweet. Perfect.

He made his way to the bathroom and undressed for a shower. He took off his shirt, then his pants, then his underwear. Then slowly. Reluctantly. His armbands. They pulled at the bandages on his arms and Andrew hissed a little at the tape pulling his skin.

He got the bandages off and tossed them into the trash. He inspected his arms with the sort of detachment that can only be learned through desperation and took stock. They were fine to go without bandages, he decided. Scabbed over and some of the shallower ones mostly healed. Looking back, he could see why it was a bad idea, besides the obvious self-destruction. Neil made him promise he would work on this and he would. He already was with Bee. But the result was that now Neil was tip-toeing just a little bit more. Talking just a little quieter. Part of him was glad for the reprieve from too much talking and too much noise, but he also wanted to shake Neil and tell him to stop fucking nannying him like he was an infant.

Cutting was not attempting suicide. It didn’t mean he was trying to kill himself. He was just trying to get some fucking relief and guess what? It worked. It worked so well and he could kick himself most of all because now he craved it again. He had forgotten. He had forgotten all of it. The peace and the release and the pain. But now he remembered and now he was going to have to fight that much harder to stop himself.

But he would. For Neil. Because Andrew had not done a damn lick of good in his entire miserable life. But Neil. Neil was his good. So, he would do it for him. All of it for him.

Andrew leaned on the sink counter. His hands gripped the edge so that the inside of his arms were facing the mirror. He studied them. Then he studied himself. He took in his reflection. The messy blonde hair in need of a trim and the dark circles and the tight jaw. The eyes Neil said one time reminded him of honey and Andrew pretended to gag but it was mostly to cover the warmth in his chest that he was certain Neil could feel through his shirt. He studied Andrew Joseph Minyard in that mirror and he asked him _‘What the fuck are you doing? What do you want?’_

He didn’t know. So, he got into the shower and let the warm water make the cuts on his arm sting.

****

By the time he got out of the shower, Neil was back and hovering in the kitchen.

“Aw. Did I miss the show? You could’ve waited for me, you know. I would’ve joined you.” He gave a fake pout and Andrew walked over to kiss it off his mouth.

“Nicky’s been a bad influence on you.”

Neil raised his arms to wrap them around Andrew’s neck, but Andrew stepped out of the way before he could.

“Not right now.”

“Okay,” Andrew studied his face for any sign of resentment or disappointment, but he didn’t find anything. “Is Aaron gone with Katelyn yet?”

Andrew shrugged, “Fuck if I know.”

Nicky and Robin had left yesterday. Nicky to go to Germany for the week to spend time with Erik and interview with his marketing firm, and Robin back home to her still over protective parents.

“Well, what do you want to do this week? I know we need to stay close to campus for your appointments with Betsey, but do you want to go somewhere? The beach or something?

“I don’t want to do anything. I’m tired.”

Andrew was saved from the look Neil was getting ready to give him by the buzz of his phone. It took a couple of blinks to realize he wasn’t hallucinating. Why the fuck was Aaron calling him?

“To what do I owe the pleasure, brother mine?” He looked at Neil who raised a surprised brow at that.

_‘We have an appointment with Dobson at 2:00. I’ll see you there.’_

Andrew let out a hollow laugh, “We haven’t had a joint session in almost a year and all of a sudden you’ve decided we have one today?”

_‘Yes. Don’t be late. Katelyn and I are leaving for the cabin tonight.’_

He hung up. Andrew looked at the screen to see the blinking numbers then looked up at Neil.

“I guess I have an appointment with Bee at 2:15.”

“2:15? That’s a weird time.”

“What can I say? I love to make an entrance.”

Neil rolled his eyes and mumbled _drama queen_ under his breath.

****

At 2:17, Andrew walked in to Bee’s office to see a very grumpy Aaron and an amused looking Bee staring each other down.

“Oh, you started without me? Please don’t let me interrupt.” Andrew turned on his heel and started to walk out.

“Sit down, asshole. I want to be here about as much as you do,” Aaron said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Andrew stopped and turned around. He made his way over to the other end of the couch and sat with a huff. He didn’t want to do this. He hated having other people in this room with him, and when Aaron stopped coming to their joint sessions, he thought he wouldn’t have to. This was so much worse than having to have that conversation with Nicky. Infinitely worse than having those conversations with Neil.

“Thank you for joining us, Andrew,” Betsey said with a smile. “Aaron called me and wanted to set this session up, so Aaron why don’t you begin by telling us why you wanted to meet.”

“Did you try to kill yourself?” Aaron spat abruptly.

Andrew was so very rarely surprised. Honestly, he’d been disappointed enough and he’d been around Neil’s idiotic mouth enough to always expect people to just do their worst. But this. From Aaron. This surprised him.

“Why the fuck are you even asking me that? What difference does it make?”

“It makes all the difference! Are you kidding me Andrew? Do you know what it was like for me to find you broken and bloody on the fucking concrete?” Aaron’s hands were in fists on his knees now and Andrew was suddenly so fucking angry.

“Oh. I’m so sorry, brother. I’m so sorry this whole situation has been so hard on you. I can’t imagine what you must have been going through while I’ve been over here on a _fucking vacation_. Why don’t you tell me about it?”

Andrew’s words were like poison on his tongue. He imagined each of them as a spear and he wanted them to pierce Aaron in that weak and hateful heart of his.

Aaron just stared at him for a few beats. Breathing hard and nostrils flaring. Then, slowly. Slowly he uncurled his fists. He took a deep breath. And he opened his eyes and looked right into Andrew’s. Andrew found himself once again staring at his reflection.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Aaron asked quietly. “What do you want?”

Andrew’s insides froze. He forgot sometimes, that they were twins. That even though they hadn’t been raised together, the similarities in their expressions and gestures were sometimes exact and it was all the time unsettling. Aaron knew deep down the questions Andrew needed to answer but couldn’t.

“Yes,” Andrew said. “I tried to kill myself.”

“Why?”

“Why not? I’m tired, Aaron. I’m tired and I do not bring anything to this earth that anyone would miss. It seemed like I’d be doing everyone a favor. Don’t tell me your life wouldn’t be easier without me in it.”

They were quiet for a few moments before Bee cut in. “Aaron, how do you feel about that statement? That you would be better off without Andrew?”

Aaron visibly swallowed and took a shaky breath. He looked like he was moving words around in his head to make them fit together and Andrew wanted to tell him not to censor himself. Just to spit it out.

“You took my mother from me. You would take my brother now, too?”

Bee coughed. “Ah, let’s tread carefully here. I’ve avoided outright confessions this far with Andrew and I’d like to keep it that way if you don’t mind.”

Andrew ignored her and pinned his brother with his gaze. “I’m going to say this to you once Aaron. I’m not going to tip toe around this anymore so that you can feel okay about your life and your choices without knowing the motivation of mine. I swore when I saw you in juvie, the time we first met and you had bruises all over you. I _swore_ I wouldn’t let that cunt continue to hurt you. Because I was in juvie _because of you_ and I wasn’t about to let that go to waste because some bitch decided to get high and use you as a punching bag.”

Aaron’s jaw dropped for a second before he got a hold of himself. “What did I have to do with you going to juvie? I didn’t even know you then! I just found out about your existence and you’re trying to pin that on _me_? You’re a real piece of work. I don’t even know why I bothered trying.”

“ _Sit down_ ,” Andrew ordered when Aaron started to rise from his seat. “You’re the one that drug me here today and you’re going to fucking listen.”

Aaron sat.

“Do you know what he did when he found out about you? When he would come into my room at night and whisper sweet nothings in my ear?” Aaron visibly flinched. Andrew was glad.

“He told me ‘ _Hey, AJ. I heard about your identical twin. Do you think he makes the same noises you do? I bet you would look so good together in my bed. I bet I could make you both feel so good.’”_

“Andrew. Please stop.” Aaron said dropping his head into his hands.

“You know I don’t like the word please. Do you want to know why, Aaron? Do you want to know who made me beg and then kept going anyway?” Andrew was on a roll now. It was like the poison was leaching out of his mouth, out of his eyes, out of his hands. It was leaking out and strangling Aaron.

“But that’s not what I meant to tell you, no. I meant to tell you that I got myself sent to juvie so that he couldn’t get his hands on you. I got away from him and from the closest thing I ever had to a mother to protect you. I got rid of Tilda _to protect you_. I made that deal with you to protect you, Aaron. I tried to kill myself to protect you, to protect Nicky, to protect Neil. Fuck you for expecting anything different from me now.”

“I’m just going to pretend I didn’t hear certain parts of that exchange,” Betsey said with a sniff. Andrew didn’t want to look to see if she was upset over what he said. He couldn’t handle that coming from her. “Andrew, how do you think you were protecting Aaron by killing yourself?”

“That’s ridiculous,” spat Aaron. He was visibly shaken, but Andrew had lost all satisfaction at the sight. He suddenly felt very heavy.

“Don’t pretend that I’m anything other than a burden to you and your cheerleader. Just don’t. Not now. We’ve danced around this the entire time we’ve known each other. I did what I did because I thought it was what was best, even if it was toxic. Life is toxic, Aaron. So don’t pretend that yours wouldn’t be made one hundred times easier without me in it.” Andrew closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “We can stop pretending now.”

“You’re not,” Aaron whispered after a moment.

“What?”

“You’re not a burden. You are the most fucked up person I know. You’re controlling and selfish and lazy. But you’re not a burden. You’re my brother. You’re my family. No matter how we grew up or what happens between us, that’s not going to change. We might as well accept it and deal with it.”

“What does ‘dealing with it’ mean to you Aaron?” Betsey asked.

“It means…I don’t know. It means I probably would’ve agreed with you that I’d be better off before I saw you on the ground. Before I knew that you really thought you had nothing to live for. But after seeing you and feeling like something inside me was dying with you, I guess I have to accept that that’s not the case. I want to know you after we graduate. I’m going to ask Katelyn to marry me. Not now, but someday. I’m going to ask and we’re going to have a wedding and the thought of my brother not being there is not okay with me. Okay? So just stop fucking sulking and deal with it.” Aaron rubbed his sweaty palms on his jeans, looking anywhere but directly at Andrew.

Andrew just stared at Aaron. He didn’t know how to respond to something like that. He hadn’t thought of a relationship with Aaron past graduation and the thought of being at Aaron’s wedding was…unsettling.

“Andrew? It sounds like your brother is saying you’re important to him. That he’d like to continue working on your relationship. Is that right Aaron?” Betsey turned a small smile on Aaron.

“Yes,” Aaron replied through gritted teeth.

“So, Andrew? What do you have to say to that?”

Andrew had to say that Aaron was an idiot. That he was digging his own grave. Andrew was never going to be the one to call or check on his life or see how his kids were doing. He didn’t know how to be that person for anyone except maybe Neil, and he had to fight every damn day to keep from fucking that up.

Andrew had to say that he was relieved. Because although he didn’t think he wanted to die anymore, he wasn’t really sure what it meant to keep living. But maybe this was part of it.

So, Andrew had to say, “Okay.”

****

Andrew didn’t go straight back to the dorm after the session. He walked straight out of Bee’s office without looking at her or Aaron, got into his car and drove. He drove with no destination in mind and no real purpose. He drove until the stretch of road and the low growl of the engine were the only things penetrating his mind.

It was dark when he got back to Fox tower, and he found Neil curled up on the couch in Andrew’s hoodie and a box of take out Chinese noodles.

“Hey. There’s food in the kitchen.”

Andrew nodded and went in search of it. He was vaguely aware he hadn’t eaten all day and although he wasn’t particularly hungry now, this was part of that whole “self-care” thing Bee was always going on about. So he grabbed a carton of honey chicken and sat on the couch next to Neil.

They said nothing while they ate. Some show or other was on the TV, but Andrew didn’t know what it was or what was going on. He stared blankly at it and ate the tasteless food and wondered if it was too early to go to bed.

“So,” Neil said, putting his carton down. Andrew set his down next to it but didn’t look at Neil. “Things with Aaron okay?”

“Are they ever okay with Aaron?”

“I don’t know. Are they? Was this a plot to get you somewhere with a witness so you couldn’t kill him while he said whatever he wanted to say?”

Andrew actually considered that for a moment. “Possibly. He just wanted to talk about what happened. Wanted to know if I tried to kill myself.”

“Wow,” Neil shifted and crossed his legs on the couch so that he was facing Andrew. “What’d you tell him?”

“The truth. And more. And I’m not getting into this with you. It’s done and he’s gone for spring break and the rest of it doesn’t matter.” Andrew did not talk about his sessions and he wasn’t going to start now. Whatever happened from here with him and Aaron didn’t concern anyone else.

“Okay. Do you want some more food?”

Andrew sighed. He didn’t know what he wanted. He was tired to the bone and he was so heavy and there was a tightness in his chest that he couldn’t even really pinpoint. He felt scrubbed out and fuzzy around the edges. He felt Neil’s hand on his.

“Hey,” Neil said quietly. Andrew looked over at him. “Tell me what you need.”

He squeezed Neil’s hand. “Just you, right now.”

Neil sat up on his knees and crawled over to Andrew. He swung a leg over Andrew’s hips and stayed there a moment, hovering above him.

“Is this okay?” Neil asked.

“Yes.”

He lowered himself slowly onto Andrew’s lap and wrapped his arms around his neck. Then still moving at a speed Andrew could track with his fuzzy brain, he laid his head on Andrew’s shoulder. They stayed there like that for a long time. Andrew closed his eyes at Neil’s weight and Neil’s breath on his neck and Neil’s hands playing with the hair on the back of his head. He felt his chest loosen just a bit and wrapped his arms around Neil’s waist, pulling him closer. He took a deep breath and leaned in to kiss the corner of Neil’s mouth.

“Bed?”

“Yeah.”

They crawled in to Neil’s bed together, with Andrew’s back to the wall and Neil’s back to Andrew, as per usual. Andrew wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled him closer, so that Neil’s back was flush against his chest. He kissed the back of his neck and rested his forehead where his mouth had been a moment before.

“ _This_ ,” he whispered. He wasn’t sure Neil heard him but he wasn’t sure he wanted Neil to hear him. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep when he heard a whispered ‘ _Always this_.’

He wasn't sure if he dreamed it or not the next morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! You can also follow me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	7. Runaway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a super short chapter to bridge to the next one! Hopefully I can get it up some time this week!

Neil wasn’t running away. Not really. He was just running.

April was in full swing which meant that Andrew would graduate at the end of next month. Andrew and Nicky and Aaron would be leaving. They’d be leaving Neil and PSU and each other. So, Neil was running. But not away, no. Not anymore. In circles maybe. Going over the same thoughts and same arguments with himself and the same despair he tried to push down again and again.

His feet ate up the pavement underneath them. Long legs for his short frame, lean from running around on court and campus and life. He pushed them until he could feel the strain. Until there was a sharp pain in his lungs.

Andrew would be fine in Colorado, Neil told himself. He’d been going to see Betsey three days a week, one which included Aaron since they’d started up their joint sessions again. He hadn’t cut since that time on the roof. Since he promised Neil he’d work on it. He had more good days than bad days now. He still came to practice even though he didn’t really need to. He would be fine. He would be fine. _He would be fine._

But would Neil be fine?

How would he handle life without Andrew there? How would he function when he was jolted awake from a nightmare of knives and blood and torture without his partner right there to tell him to stop being an idiot and go back to sleep? How would he handle being a second year senior and making sure he graduated and choosing a vice captain and trying to get further in championships than they had this year?

So, he ran.

Even when it started to rain he kept running. Even when his surroundings started to look unfamiliar. Even when a black car slowed down next to him. He kept running. His eyes on his sneakers, one foot in front of the other. Go, go, go.

He only slowed when the black car stopped a little ahead of him and the window rolled down. He realized then that it was Andrew. He stopped and leaned into the window to look in, wet from the rain and panting from the exertion.

“When water falls from the sky like this, it’s called rain. We try to stay out of it if we can,” Andrew said, as if he was explaining things to a very small child.

“Thanks, professor. Why are you here? I was going to turn around soon.”

“No, you weren’t. Get in.”

Neil got in. Andrew gave him a long look and said, “You’re drying my leather seats off when we get back to the dorm.”

“I can just run back, you know.” Neil went to open the door and get out of the car before Andrew grabbed his arm.

“Don’t.”

Neil gave him a smug smile and sat back in the seat. They drove in silence most of the way back to the dorm, Neil’s mind still racing. Andrew lit a cigarette and Neil took a deep breath and let his head fall back on the headrest.

“You can change when we get back and then we’ll go look for you a car in Columbia,” Andrew said.

Neil’s eyes snapped open. He’d been successfully putting this off since last year, and he’d be damned if he gave in to it now.

“Not today. Maybe next weekend? I wanted to get some extra practice in today.”

“The seasons over. What in the fuck do you have to practice for?” Andrew scoffed. He flicked his cigarette out the window and gripped the wheel a little tighter. Neil knew where this was going, and he didn’t really care. An argument sounded nice right about now. He wondered if he could get that one vein in Andrew’s temple to stand out.

“Some of us still want to stay in shape, you know. What are you going to do when you get to Colorado and you have a personal trainer and a dietician and sponsors breathing down your neck about what you eat and how you look?”

“Thanks, _Kevin_. You have a problem with how I look?” Andrew asked in a low voice. They arrived back at Fox Tower and he turned to look at Neil, something dark in his eyes. Neil wasn’t sure if it was anger or desire or some combination of the two. He smiled, just a little.

“Do you _think_ I have a problem with how you look?” Neil leaned forward slow enough for Andrew to be able to stop him if he wanted and slipped a hand under his grey tee. “How do you manage these abs with all the junk you eat, hmmm?” Neil rand his hand up until his thumb grazed one of Andrew’s nipples.

Andrew was not to be distracted, unfortunately. He grabbed Neil’s wrist and yanked it from under his shirt. “Go dry off and get dressed and be back down here in 10 minutes or I’m breaking both your racquets.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You want to try me?”

Neil huffed and pushed his sodden hair out of his face. “Fine. But we’re finishing this later.”

“Bring a towel back with you to dry my seat off.”

****

It took most of the day, but Neil finally settled on a small and non-descript gray Prius. He figured it would get him where he needed to go, and it had good gas-mileage. And it was small enough that he had an excuse not to have to drive too many people around. He hated it.

It was one more reminder of what was coming, and he _hated it_.

He was sitting on the couch in the dorm, mindlessly flipping channels when Robin plopped down next to him.

“Your car is so cute!” She said excitedly. “You’re totally going to let me drive it right?”

After almost a whole year with her, Neil still didn’t know how he felt about Robin. Andrew had adopted her as one of his own shortly after she was recruited (under Andrew’s recommendation) by Wymack. She was nice enough, he supposed. A little naïve and a little too chipper for someone with her background. But she couldn’t really help that her parents were overprotective on an unhealthy level after someone snatched their daughter away from them.

“Um, thanks.” Neil replied. “Sure, you can drive it. Whatever, I guess.”

“You sound like Andrew now,” She laughed. “Speaking of Andrew…”

Neil glanced over at her after she had gone quiet. She was fidgeting nervously and staring at her hands.

“What about Andrew?”

“Is he okay? I mean, after his accident and everything he just seems…I don’t know. I just worry about him, you know?” She laughed again. “What am I saying? Of course you know.”

Neil did know. He also knew Robin was worried about Andrew leaving her here without him next year, just like Neil was.

“It’s just that…” She continued, “I know shit gets hard for him sometimes. Up here.” She tapped the side of her head. “And I know you’re there for him. It just seems like the closer to graduation he gets, the quieter he gets. Just let me know if I can do anything, okay? If either of you need anything.”

Neil stared at her for a few minutes, not sure how to take her offer. It seemed genuine enough. She did care for Andrew, in a broken bird sort of way.

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. Um…I’m going to find him now.” Neil left the dorm as quickly as he could without being obviously rude. He made his way up to the roof where he knew Andrew was camped out with cigarettes and whisky. The day they had spent dealing with car salesmen and sitting in bland offices and drinking terrible coffee had worn on him.

“Hey,” He called out when he spotted Andrew on the roof.

“Hey yourself.”

It was getting dark outside. No stars yet, but the world was all deep grays and dark blues. He sat down next to Andrew and took the offered cigarette. He held it close to his face when it was lit and took a deep breath. Andrew shook his head.

“You owe me literally thousands of dollars in wasted cigarettes.”

“And yet you keep offering them. God, you like me. It’s almost too much.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.” Neil did know. He knew Andrew hated how much he liked Neil. He hated being forced to feel so much for another person and having to check himself against his abusers all the time. Hated not being in control. Neil was okay with helping his control slip, every once in a while.

They stayed like that until the stars finally came out. Letting cigarettes burn with short kisses in between. When the sky was finally lit up enough to be able to make out the winking white amidst the campus light pollution, Neil laid on his back. Andrew joined him a minute later.

“Robin’s worried about you, you know. I think she doesn’t know what she’ll do whenever you’re gone.” Neil said. He felt like Andrew needed to be reminded sometimes, that there were other people in the world besides Neil who cared about him.

“She’ll be fine. So will you.”

“Me? Of course I won’t. How will I survive without you forcing me on 2AM ice cream runs and insisting on pizza with mushrooms of all the god forsaken vegetables every other night?” Neil laughed, but it was forced. He would not be fine. But he didn’t need Andrew to worry about that.

“Stop,” Andrew said, reaching down to thread his fingers through Neil’s. “If I have to talk about all my shit with everyone I know then you have to talk about your shit. At least with me since you still refuse to see Bee.”

“I don’t need to see Bee. I’m fine.”

“Yes, yes. Of course. Neil ‘I’m-Fine’ Josten ladies and gentlemen. Puts off getting a car of his own for an entire year because he’s _fine._ Don’t. Not with me.”

Neil sighed and squeezed Andrew’s hand. He rolled his head to the side so he could look at Andrew’s profile. His eyes reflected the stars and his mouth was drawn in a tight line. A muscle feathered in his jaw. He was right, Neil thought. He wanted Andrew to talk to him when shit was bad, so he owed him talking in return.

“What do you want me to say?” He started. “I’m worried. Not just about you. About me and the team and what it’ll be like without you here with me. You’ve been my stability in some form or other since I stopped running. Even when we weren’t…us. You made a deal with me and gave me a key and gave me something to stay for.”

“I am not your something to stay for,” Andrew went on before Neil could argue. “From the minute you came to PSU, the rejects on this team have fallen all over themselves to dote on you and take you in and keep this little broken rabbit they picked up from the side of the road.”

“That’s not true.”

Andrew turned his head to look at Neil.

“Don’t be an idiot. That’s why Aaron always had a problem with you, you know. He couldn’t understand everyone always killing themselves to take care of you.”

“And you? You didn’t seem very fond of me to begin with. It’s a wonder you didn’t kill me and hide my body at that construction site on campus.”

Andrew shrugged, “You were nice to look at. Even with the terrible dye job and ugly contacts.”

“Thanks?”

“Look, all I’m saying is that there’s more here for you than just me. You have your stupid stickball and you have a team to captain and a very ridiculous math degree. It’s only a year, and then we’ll figure it out. I don’t want you to live your life for just this,” Andrew said, gesturing between them. “You’ll never make it through the year if you do that. I’m still not your answer.”

Neil thought about that for a minute. Andrew was not his answer to some things. Some things he had to work through on his own. Other things though…some other things he was certain Andrew was absolutely the answer. He had never felt _want_ before Andrew. He’d never felt seen or understood or accepted so fully until Andrew. But he supposed he could still have that, long distance. There were breaks and skype and a couple of weeks during the summer before his training started where they would go to Colorado together to get him moved in to his new apartment.

“No. You’re not the answer to some things. And I’m not yours.” Andrew squeezed his hand at that. “Has Betsey given you a list of names of people to see once you’re in Denver?”

“Yes. I don’t like any of them.”

“You haven’t even met them!”

“I don’t need to meet them to know I won’t like them. I’ve researched them online.”

Neil sat up and stared down at Andrew, who continued to gaze at the sky. “If you don’t choose someone before I leave this summer I’m going to be impossible to deal with. You do know this?”

“You’re always impossible to deal with. Betsey said we can set up skype sessions until I find someone else. I’ll be fine.”

They were quiet for a while after that. Andrew went through another cigarette and Neil hugged his knees to his chest. He played with his shoe strings and tried not to think. It didn’t work.

“Do you still want to die?”

Andrew turned his head to look at Neil at that. They stared at each other for a long moment before Andrew reached out a hand and wrapped it around Neil’s ankle.

“No. I don’t want to die.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! You can also follow me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	8. Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The OG foxes are in town!

_POP POP POP_

“Can you put it into words for me, Andrew? Can you try to verbally express the anxiety?”

_POP POP POP_

Andrew was in Bee’s office, but he was not in his usual seat on the couch. He was in the corner next to the couch, knees drawn up to his chest with his head down on top of them. He had wrapped his arms around his legs and one hand was snapping a rubber band on his wrist over and over.

_POP POP POP_

“They’re all back here. They’re all back and I don’t know if they know and it’s just too many fucking people. I can’t even be with Neil without everyone crowding him and it’s just too fucking much.”

Coach David Wymack was winning an award that weekend for excellence in coaching. Andrew did not really care one way or the other, but an award ceremony meant the old foxes were in town and they were a constant hovering presence at the moment. Neil’s phone was constantly ringing and pinging with texts for dinner plans and movies and sleep overs and Andrew was torn between wanting Neil to have some fun for once in his life and wanting to shove his phone down his throat.

_POP POP POP_

“Tell me, Andrew. Is it because there are more people than normal around or is it because of what these people represent in your life? In Neil’s life?” Bee sat patiently while Andrew slowly lifted his head and stretched his legs out in front of him on the floor.

“I’ve been better on campus. The crowds don’t really bother me as long as no one tries to touch me or have a conversation with me. It’s just _them_. It’s Boyd hanging all over Neil and Renee looking at me like she knows me. It’s too much at one time.” Andrew continued snapping the rubber band on his wrist. This was one of Betsey’s coping mechanisms. Instead of cutting, this little bit of pain helped to center his mind and keep him present without causing himself any actual harm.

“Okay, that’s understandable after what you’ve gone through these past months. Do you feel obligated to be around them?”

“I don’t want to leave Neil.” Andrew mumbled while resting his head back against the wall. “We don’t have much time left.”

“How so? I know the year is ending in a few weeks and you’re graduating, but is that somehow an invisible expiration for the two of you?”

“Of course not.” Andrew scoffed. Ever since that conversation on the roof where Neil told Andrew he was done, after all of his idiot’s insecurity and worry, he’d be damned if he was going to let the distance be anything but a minor annoyance.

“Then don’t think of graduation as a deadline. It’s another important step, another important goal you’ve reached in your life. You did something productive with your time here. Now it’s just on to the next step. You’ll see Neil less, but you won’t _have_ him any less. He’s just as determined as you are to make things work. Don’t put your mental well-being on the line for a made-up finish line. That means not forcing yourself to socialize when it’s wearing on you.”

After a few minutes of thoughtful silence, Andrew stood up and took his usual spot on the couch. Bee had a mug of hot chocolate waiting for him.

“I’m still the same old monster to them, I guess.” Andrew said in a flat voice.

“Does that bother you? It seems to me that ‘monster’ had a good reason for hanging around. Don’t sell yourself short, Andrew. During your time here you’ve protected those you cared most about, you’ve worked on your issues and made really important strides, you’ve worked on your relationship with your brother, you’ve entered a strong and loving partnership with someone you see as an equal, you’ve won two national championships and you’ve trolled the entire school by earning a criminology degree. Monster or not, that’s impressive. You should be proud of yourself.” Bee leaned back, a little flushed. She hated seeing Andrew sell himself short, and while a part of him appreciated her effort, he suspected she was a bit biased as he was just another one of her broken things.

Andrew shrugged. “No one else cares, Bee. I’m just a violent asshole who has stolen their precious rabbit away.”

“You didn’t steal anyone and if they have eyes they know that. Now tell me about the rubber band. Is it still helping your urge to self-harm?”

****

Neil was of two thoughts on the matter of the old foxes returning for the awards ceremony. One, he was happy. Really happy, if he was being honest with himself. They all saw each other occasionally and kept in touch via group texts and phone calls, but it had been a long time since he was in the same room with all the OG foxes, and it felt so nice to have everyone together again. Two, he wanted them all to go the fuck back to wherever they came from.

He forgot how loud they all were when put in one room. Especially with Nicky basking in the glory of old friends and any sort of positive attention. Matt and Dan were engaged and more sickeningly in love than Neil had ever seen them. Renee and Allison were a thing now? When did that even happen? Maybe Neil was as oblivious as everyone claimed since Nicky rolled his eyes and patted his head when Neil asked him about it one night.

There was also Andrew. He could tell the constant company and socializing was wearing on him. Just a few more days and they’d be gone, and Andrew could breathe easy again.

Neil was currently in a large hotel suite with everyone, minus Andrew and Renee. They had opted to stay at the dorm for some quiet and Neil was glad. Andrew had been pushing himself to socialize and Neil knew it was for his own benefit.

He had wandered out on to the balcony to get some fresh air and a little bit of quiet when the sliding door opened behind him. He turned to find Matt closing it and sending a grin his way. Matt was so damn tall. Neil always forgot he had an entire foot on him until they were standing next to each other. Matt clapped him on the shoulder and stood next to him, resting his elbows on the railing.

“Congratulations on you and Dan,” Neil said. “I can’t believe you finally worked up the courage.”

Matt laughed, deep and warm. “I know, I’m such a wimp when it comes to her. I don’t know what I was worried about.”

“Me neither.”

Neil had never seen two people as obviously connected and crazy about each other as Matt and Dan. He guessed it was fear of losing that, that made Matt so unsure of himself sometimes. Neil could understand that.

“Speaking of which,” Matt said turning towards Neil and shooting him another grin. “Congratulations on being my best man.”

“I…what? Me?” Neil was taken all the way back. He was closer to Matt than anyone else on the team, save Andrew. But still. Best man? Could Neil be that for someone?

“Of course you! You’re my best friend. You always listen to me complain about Dan and give me the worst advice on what to do. Who else would it be?”

“I don’t give the worst advice,” Neil grumbled.

“You told me the recipe for a homemade low-grade poison when I complained about her wanting me to cook more.”

Neil shrugged. “She wouldn’t have asked you to cook again.”

Matt huffed in amusement and rolled his eyes. “So, will you be my best man?”

“Are…are you sure?” Matt only stared at Neil and waited for an answer. “Do not make me do or wear anything embarrassing.”

“Or what? You’ll sic Andrew on me?”

Neil bristled at the implication. “I’m perfectly capable of maiming you on my own, you know. I don’t need my partner to fight by battles for me.”

“WHAT.” Matt stood straight up and froze as he looked at Neil. Neil jumped at his sudden volume and reached for a weapon he wasn’t carrying.

“…what? What is it?”

“Did you just say ‘partner’? So that’s a thing now?! You call each other partner?”

Neil’s heart resumed its normal rate. Really, why would Matt get so worked up over that?

“Yes. Jesus Matt you almost gave me a heart attack. We decided after Andrew…after his accident. It’s just easier this way.”

“Uh huh. Sure. How often does he tell you he loves you?” Matt asked, reaching for Neil and making kissing noises.

“He doesn’t. Stop that. STOP,” Neil shrieked while batting Matt’s hands away. Matt stopped again and looked at Neil with concern.

“He doesn’t? You guys don’t say ‘I love you’?”

“No. It’s not something…look it’s just the way things are between us. Don’t give me that ‘poor you’ look, you asshole. When you’ve grown up with people saying one thing and doing another, words like that become less important than actions.”

Matt looked unconvinced. “Like what actions? It’s just nice to hear it sometimes. Dan and I say it at least a hundred times a day. Any less and I will pout, I don’t even care.” He crossed his arms over his chest in the most impressive display of manly pouting Neil had ever seen.

“Like…you know I have nightmares?” Matt nodded in the affirmative. “Well, he knows how to help me with that. It’s just waking up and knowing he’s there next to me. It’s being able to lean against him when everything is just too heavy. It’s the fact that he can look at my scars and not flinch, that he can make me feel like he _likes_ them even. We both have issues. I take his and he takes mine with no judgement. It’s just a given.” Neil could go on but stopped himself when he could tell he was rambling. It was so much more. It was wasted cigarettes and yes or no and permission to go further than anyone else has ever been allowed to go. It was decaf coffee and road trips and a hand on the back of his neck and a thumb tracing over his scars. It was everything. It went beyond what could be said out loud with words.

Neil looked up at Matt after he had gone quiet for a minute. Matt was staring at him with silvery eyes and a trembling lip.

“That’s love you blockhead,” he said before scooping Neil up into a hug. “And I’m so fucking happy for you.”

****

“You’re rusty, Walker. No one to spar with in the peace corps?” Andrew dabbed at his swollen lip to check for blood. She may be rusty but she was still quick as hell. They were in one of the basement rooms of Fox Tower sparring after too long of having no one to contend with

Renee laughed softly. “No, not so much sparring happening in the peace corps. I’m done with my tour now, though. So maybe we can do this more often.”

“I’ll be in Colorado soon,” Andrew pointed out. “I still don’t see much time for sparring happening.”

“Perhaps not. But at least we’ll be on the same continent. I’ll be traveling with Allison a lot in the fall, between New York and LA. I’m sure we can fit some time in somewhere.”

Andrew didn’t respond. He was sure Renee meant it, but he wasn’t stupid enough to think she would go out of her way. Why would anyone?

“So, you and Reynolds, huh? We don’t all have to keep pretending it’s not a thing?”

Renee smiled, and Andrew almost had to look away at how genuine it was. “No, I suppose not. Things are very good.”

“Fantastic,” Andrew said in a bored tone. Renee just kept smiling at him. She knew that was as close to approval as she was going to get, and she was running with it apparently.

“So, are you all healed up after the accident?”

Andrew’s stomach clenched at the reminder. “My arm still tweaks a little if I move it wrong, but other than that all healed.”

“Excellent. I’m sure you’re relieved with your contract having been signed already. How are _you_? I mean, I don’t have to worry about you stumbling off any more roofs?”

Oh, yeah. She knew.

“If you want to ask just ask.”

“I don’t have to ask. I’ve sparred with you enough times to know your balance, even when drunk, is too good for you to take a random tumble off the roof. What I’m more curious about is why you never mentioned anything in any of our texts or calls. You know you can talk to me, right?” She had the gall to look hurt that Andrew hadn’t confided in her. He didn’t know whether to shake her or thank her.

“Why would I have done that? You were half a world away and could barely communicate. It was nothing.” Andrew lit a cigarette and took a deep drag.

“You still could have confided. But I know it’s not always easy. You have Neil and you have Betsey, too. But how are you now?”

“I’m working on it.” Andrew took another drag and popped his rubber band a few times to try and lessen the anxiety that came with thinking about it.

“Good. How is Neil? He’s always so quiet I can never get a good read on him.” She stretched out her legs in front of her and leaned back against the wall.

“He’s _fine_. Haven’t you heard?” Renee laughed at that.

“Yes, I suppose he is. He's handling everything okay? With your recovery and you leaving in a few months?”

Andrew thought about how much to tell her. He trusted Renee. He just didn’t usually go very much past surface with her. She was always too observant for Andrew’s liking.

“He’s worried. Mostly about us being apart, I think. The distance.” Andrew took a few breaths before admitting, “We’ve started calling each other partner. I think that’s helped some, having it defined.”

“That’s…wow, Andrew. That’s really great. I’m so happy for you.” She sighed a little. “It’s really incredible you know. All the events that led you two here. Who would’ve thought you’d meet someone so obviously made for you under these circumstances?”

“I never thought.” Andrew stubbed his cigarette out on the carpet before getting up. “Come on. I’ll drive you back to the hotel.”

****

Neil was sitting on the couch in the hotel room flipping through an Exy magazine Kevin had left lying around. He was wondering how early would be too early to leave when Andrew walked in with Renee. He looked relaxed with a swollen lip and a darkening bruise on his cheek bone, and Neil gave him a small smile when Andrew’s eyes found his.  

Andrew sat on the couch next to him and Kevin immediately swooped in from his perch against the dresser to try and coax Andrew into a conversation about going pro this year. Matt and Dan were standing with Nicky and Aaron a few feet away, all except Aaron laughing at something Nicky was flamboyantly describing. Renee and Allison were sitting on the bed together talking quietly, Allison reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind Renee’s ear. There was a feeling in Neil’s chest that he suspected was contentment.

Everyone looked over when Kevin started getting loud.

“What do you mean you haven’t been training?! Are you insane? This is the pros Andrew, this isn’t the NCAA anymore.” He leaned further into Andrew’s space from his position on the coffee table in front of them. Neil sighed and continued flipping through the Exy magazine. Some people never learned.

Andrew drew a knife from his armbands so quickly no one had time to realize what he was doing until a knife was imbedded in the table right next to Kevin’s hand.

“Say one more word to me the rest of the night and I’ll show you what a professional I am.”

Neil kept flipping. He did not miss Kevin, he decided.

“Oh, Minyard.” Allison started, “You never disappoint. Neil, how do you even put up with his bullshit every day?”

“It’s all the mind-blowing sex,” Neil said completely dead pan, not looking up from his magazine. He only lifted his eyes when he realized how completely silent the room had gone. Everyone was gaping at him. Even Andrew was looking at him with wide eyes and what was almost, _almost_ the smallest of smiles on his lips. Then, all at once, noise erupted loud enough to make Neil flinch and cover his ears, dropping the magazine on the floor.

Everyone was in an uproar. The girls were shrieking and cries of OH MY GOD were all over the place, except Renee who just put a hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. Matt was pulling Kevin back from the table he was sitting on while trying to catch his breath from laughing before Andrew could stab him. Kevin was scrambling to move while still trying to sputter something about ice cream and sugar intake. The only quiet one was Aaron who had his head in his hands as if he was struggling to find the will to go on after hearing Neil’s statement. And Nicky. Oh, Nicky. Nicky was on the floor absolutely crowing in delight and struggling to pull his phone out of his pocket.

“I...I  have to…I have to call Eric,” he wheezed, his forehead against the carpet and one fist pounding on the ground. “He’s not going to believe this!”

Neil looked back at Andrew only to find his partner looking at him as if to say, _Nope. You did this to yourself._

“You guys are the worst.” Neil yelled over the noise.

“What do you expect, Josten?!” Allison said between laughing. “We’ve never even seen you two so much as kiss and now you're joking about your sex life?”

“I’ve seen them kiss!” Nicky yelled, phone to his ear, “It was fucking ADORABLE!”

“Who said he was joking?” Andrew asked the room to another round of roaring laughter.

Neil stood up and grabbed Andrew’s hand to pull him up. “Come on, let’s go home. I’m exhausted all of a sudden.”

They walked out the door with middle fingers held high up in the air.

****

“Mind blowing sex, huh?” Andrew asked a still scowling Neil when they got back to the dorm.

“It was supposed to be funny. I didn’t expect everyone to freak out. Not like they’re not constantly talking about with who and how they wave their genitals around,” Neil huffed as he plopped down on the couch next to Andrew.

“That…is a disgusting mental image. Your punishment is getting me ice cream immediately.”

Neil rolled his eyes and stood to head to the freezer when Andrew grabbed his wrist.

“It is, you know.”

“What is?” Neil asked, confused for a moment.

“The sex. Mind blowing, I mean.”

Neil smiled at that. He knew it was mind blowing. He was there, too after all. But still. To hear it come out of Andrew’s mouth sent a line of heat right down his center.

“I know.” Neil turned toward Andrew and climbed on top of him until he was in Andrew’s lap, straddling his hips. “That’s why I said it.”

****

Andrew grabbed on to Neil’s hips and ran his hands up under his shirt and up his sides. He started to take Neil’s shirt off completely but stopped himself. He took a shaky breath.

“I’m…I want this.” He said on a heavy breath. “I just don’t know that my head is right. I had a session with Bee today and everyone’s here and I still feel…” He waved his hand around as if in explanation. He didn’t want to use Neil. Didn’t want to lose his wits when he wasn’t sure where his head was.

“Okay. We can stop if you want to,” Neil said quietly. After a short pause he added, “Or I can try and make you forget. For a little while.”

Andrew squeezed his hips at that. “I don’t want to worry about…about not being present enough to know if I’m hurting you or if you need to stop.”

“I know, and I appreciate that. But how about I do the work and I’ll tell you if I need to stop?” Andrew took a deep breath. Neil leaned in close until Andrew could feel his breath on his cheek, “I trust you. Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

Neil rocked his hips forward just a little. His hands went to Andrew’s shoulders and his mouth went to Andrew’s neck. Andrew inhaled a sharp breath and ran his hands underneath Neil’s shirt.

“You deserve to feel good, Andrew,” Neil said against his neck. Mouth hot and voice a whisper. A shudder went through Andrew. “Let me make you feel good sometimes, okay?” He made his point by grinding his hips down a little harder.

Andrew didn’t know what to think, couldn’t even really form a coherent thought at the moment. Neil trusting him and Neil wanting to make him feel good and telling him he _deserved_ it, of all things. He didn’t want to use Neil but what if he wanted to be used? He let out a low moan at another hard rock of Neil’s hips and he felt Neil smile against his neck.

He looked up, right into Andrew’s eyes. Once he got Andrew’s shirt up and over his head and removed his own, he leaned in for a bruising kiss that softened after only a minute. He broke off the kiss and foreheads together, he told the truth the way Andrew knew was still hard for him.

“You’re an amazing partner,” he said, panting a bit now. Picking up speed. Rutting faster and adjusting things a bit so that their erections were rubbing against each other through the material of their pants. “Andrew…you deserve to be happy. You deserve to have good things in your life.” He let out a sigh of pleasure. “We both deserve this life after…after everything.” Neil squeezed his eyes shut and let slip one of the sounds that always made Andrew’s cock twitch.

As Andrew sat there, with his partner on top of him, he was conflicted. Part of him wanted to push Neil off and hide from this. Part of him wanted to tell Neil to stop fucking talking because what he was saying was ridiculous and no one deserved anything. People got what they got and that was just fucking life.

But maybe Neil was right. They’d both been through their share of bullshit and Andrew had nearly given his life to the demons that tormented him. But maybe, even when he was having a bad day and even if he felt himself falling into that void again…maybe it was okay to lean on Neil. To let Neil bear a bit of the weight. To help him feel good.

Andrew leaned up to kiss his partner again and moved them so that he was on his back on the couch and Neil was on top of him. Neil smiled, “Quick learner.”

So, Andrew laid back. He laid back and let Neil take him apart until he was a million tiny pieces of himself. They tumbled into each other with hands and mouths and whispered words and names and pleas. This was falling, Andrew thought. Not the roof. Not taking a step and landing on the concrete. This was taking a flying leap and never coming down. This was the two of them, clutched together and impervious in this moment to all the bullshit of their pasts, falling through a nothing sky and breathing shared breaths to stay alive.

He would fall again and again and again, with Neil’s name on his lips every single time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be the award ceremony for Wymack! Lots of Andrew/Wymack feels in the next one. :)
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated! You can also follow me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	9. Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The awards ceremony for Wymack

Neil looked at himself in the mirror. Then looked down at his phone. Then looked back up at the mirror again. He had never tried to tie a tie before and this tutorial was supposed to help but he still suspected he was doing something incorrect as the skinny end was much longer than the fat end. That couldn’t possibly be right.

“Hey, looks great. You do that all by yourself?” Andrew drawled. Neil turned to find him leaning against the bathroom door frame and looking so good in a nicely tailored suit and a dark green tie that made his eyes look like they were glowing. Neil looked down at his own tie and felt his cheeks heat.

“I have no idea how to do this,” he said with a sigh. He started to rip the tie off himself when Andrew walked over to still his hands.

“Stop it. You’ll put creases in the wrong places. Here.”

Andrew grabbed the tie and looked up at Neil. Their eyes locked for half a beat before Andrew used the tie to pull Neil down to him for a kiss. It was short because time was short but it was heated because they were always heated. Andrew leaned back from him and continued to pull Neil’s tie off. He slid it back through the collar of his shirt and Neil got goose bumps on the places where Andrew’s fingers grazed the skin on his neck. With expert fingers, Andrew tied the tie correctly and tightened it so it was in it’s proper place. He smoothed it down the front of Neil’s shirt and smoothed the shirt over his chest and looked back up at him.

“Come on. We’re going to be late,” Andrew made his way out of the bathroom.

Neil took a deep breath and followed.

“How did you get so good a tying a tie anyway?” He asked. 

“Had to clean up to meet foster families. Court dates. Forced torture. Take your pick.”

Neil didn't know why he asked.

They made their way to the front door where Nicky was waiting in his own suit and Robin was standing in pajamas.

“I hope you guys have fun! Take lots of pictures for me!” She smiled sweetly at them and Neil forced a smile back.

“Thanks. We will. Hopefully it doesn’t take all night,” He said as he grabbed his suit jacket to put it on before heading out the door.

“Hey, nothing but love and support tonight! That goes for both of you,” Nicky said with a pointed look at Andrew.

“I’m so full of love and support I think I might vomit at any second so let’s get the hell out of here.”

Nicky walked out the door and Neil followed behind Andrew. He let Nicky get to the stairs before grabbing Andrew’s arm to stop him.

“Hey.”

Andrew stopped and turned to look at Neil with a question on his face.

“You look incredible.”

Andrew just stared at him before leaning in for a quick kiss, turning on his heel and making his way down the stairs.

Neil smiled and followed.

****

The venue where the awards ceremony was taking place was packed. They met up with the OG foxes in front of the venue and headed inside to find their table. None of the other current foxes were in attendance due to the availability of seating, but also due to Neil telling them they weren’t invited. They threw a celebration for coach in the locker room and made room in the trophy case for his award. But he wanted this to be specifically this group of Foxes. For everything they had endured together and for everything coach had done to ensure they were safe and mostly whole.

They were all seated around a big round table, and Neil was placed in between Andrew and Matt. Everyone chatted amongst themselves and tried to make plans for a group trip for the summer, but the fact was that they were all so scattered and they all led such different lives, it would be impossible to pick something that worked with every single persons schedule.

“Listen, I can call my travel agent right now and have her secure us a beach house for the entire month of June until we can figure out when we can all get there,” Allison said with a flourish of her hand. Like this was an everyday occurrence for her.

Renee reached over and put a hand on top of hers. “Let’s wait until after the ceremony, okay? We’re all supposed to meet up for brunch tomorrow before we leave. Let’s figure it out then.”

“Fine. I’m just saying. We can make it happen.”

Neil hoped so, but he wasn’t going to hold his breath.

Once the ceremony started and everyone was served food the conversation died down. Matt whispered in his ear about this old guy or that one and the one with the wife who was 30 years his junior with the giant fake tits and Neil felt like they were back in the library at PSU and making fun of the students who were there purely to hook up.

One such man made his way to their table and tapped Kevin on the shoulder to indicate it was time. He paled just a bit and nodded his head and stood to follow.

“Good luck,” Renee whispered with a squeeze to his hand.

A few minutes later, the same man took the stage to announce the award for their district’s Excellence in Coaching award.

“Many of you know David Wymack, the coach of the Palmetto State University Foxes, as a compassionate and competent coach. To say a few more words and to present this year's Excellence in Coaching award is Kevin Day, current professional exy player and former starting striker for the PSU Foxes.”

The audience clapped and their table whooped the loudest. The girls were cat calling and Aaron was rolling his eyes. Andrew sat with his arms across his chest and a bored look on his face. They watched as Kevin made his way to the podium and for once, he seemed unable to turn on the made for TV smile he had perfected.

“Thank you,” he said into the mic. He cleared his throat and started again.

“Many of you know my story. How I came to Coach Wymack after suffering an injury to my hand. I know it seemed perfectly logical and reasonable in the press. I could no longer be a Raven, so I fled to the last ranked Foxes instead. I’m also sure many of you know now that it’s public knowledge, I knew coach Wymack was my father at the time. I left him in the dark. This was not my main motivation for coming to him, however. Coach had a reputation for taking in broken things. He was called idealistic at the best of times and insane at the worst. I needed someone who was both to take me on.”

He took a deep breath before continuing.

“When I joined the foxes, we were a team of misfits and rejects and in some cases, criminals. We were a fractured mess. Part of the reason we were able to heal and come together was finally finding the right players and the right balance.”

Andrew reach over to squeeze Neil’s knee. Neil put his hand on top of Andrew’s.

“But the fact is that none of it would’ve been possible without the right Coach. My father took me in and he sat with me when I was breaking apart before he knew I was his son. He talked me through my fears and insecurities and my dread that I would never be able to play again. He told me I could. He made me believe I could. So, I did. With his help and the help of my fellow teammates, I was able to pick myself up and dust myself off and finally face the thing I’d been afraid of my entire life. Failure.”

Kevin had to take another breath. His voice was wavering at this point and his eyes were glassy.

“But the thing about it was, I was not special. He did this for all of us. He gave us a home when we didn’t belong. He made sure we knew all we needed to do was ask if we needed anything, and he’d make it happen for us. Even for the Foxes who didn’t have a paternal claim to him, he was a father. The only father some of us had.”

Dan was crying freely now and sobbed a little harder at that statement. Matt wrapped an arm around her shoulder and kissed her head.

“So, I want to let this audience and the board know, there is no one on this earth more deserving of this award than Coach David Wymack. He gave us something to play for and he gave us hope. Coach…Dad, this one’s for you.” Kevin held up the award and gestured to where Wymack was sitting with the other coaches in the audience. He had been sitting perfectly still while listening to Kevin’s speech. Neil couldn’t see his face but his body was taut. He got to his feet and made his way to the stage where he hugged Kevin tightly before accepting the award. Their entire table, even Andrew, stood and applauded as he made his way on stage. Matt was whistling and Nicky was screaming through his tears. Soon, the entire audience followed suit and rose to give Wymack a standing ovation. Kevin whispered something in Wymack’s ear and Wymack closed his eyes and nodded before turning toward the podium. His eyes were red, but he looked mostly put together.

“I’m going to be honest here as I expect honestly from all of my players. There have been times during this job where I’ve asked myself what the hell I was thinking. There have been times where I’ve lost a player or I’ve had to piece one back together where I was sure I was failing at this. But here’s the thing…I would never want to be anywhere else than right here. The kids I coach make waking up every day and knowing I’m doing something worthwhile all I need in life. Even if I’ll probably have a heart attack before I’m 50 and even if I’ve lost a terrifying amount of hair since Andrew Minyard came into my life, I’m right where I’m supposed to be. So, thank you to the board and to my players and to my son.” He gave a nod before walking off the stage with Kevin.

***

Andrew sat outside in the parking lot on the hood of his car smoking a cigarette. The others were drinking and mingling and he wanted to leave but Neil was having a good time. So, he would wait and smoke and breathe in air that didn’t contain copious amounts of terrible cologne. It wasn’t long before he spotted someone walking across the parking lot.

“Escaping, Coach?” he called out. Wymack’s head snapped up and Andrew could just make out a wry smile on his face in the yellow lamp lights of the parking lot. He headed towards the Masarati and Andrew handed him a cigarette and a lighter when he made it to the car.

“Just needed some air. My shoulders are killing me from all the congratulatory back slapping.” He lit the cigarette and dropped the lighter back in Andrew’s hand before taking a long drag.

“That’s just the weight of your burdens Coach. Thanks for the shout out, by the way.”

Wymack grunted what may have been a laugh and they fell into companionable silence.

“I know you’re not one for conversations like these or conversations at all, but I’m proud of you Minyard,” Wymack said while staring at the ground. Andrew looked over at him and took another long drag while considering him.

“Yeah? Proud I made it all 5 years without landing myself in prison?” He threw his cigarette to the ground and stood in front of the car next to Wymack.

“For a start. But kid, you’re a completely different person from the one I met all those years ago,” Andrew started to scoff but Wymack held up a hand. “Don’t get me wrong, you’re still a midget and you’re still an ass. But you’re more yourself now, I think. You’re more comfortable in your skin. I don’t know how much of that is just maturity or how much of it is Josten or how much of it was falling off a roof. But it’s true. I’m proud of you. Take it or leave it.”

Andrew was silent for a few minutes before he walked forward and slapped Wymack on the shoulder.

“Thanks, Dad.”

He walked away before he could see the expression on Wymack’s face.

***

Neil startled at a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find Andrew standing there blank faced a bored.

“Hey, you,” Neil said. “Where’d you disappear to?”

“Cigarette. You ready to go?”

“Yeah, just let me tell someone I’m leaving. They’ll think I was murdered if I disappear,” Neil was sure that sounded ridiculous, but it was also the truth. He found Matt and let him know that he and Andrew were leaving. Matt promised to give Nicky a ride back and he and Andrew made their way to the car.

“So,” Neil started. “What’d you think of Kevin’s speech?”

“Kevin practiced that in front of the mirror for a month and still cried like a moron,” Andrew said as he started the engine.

Neil laughed and put his hand on the back of Andrew’s neck, rubbing a little. Andrew sighed and started their way back to the Tower.

“He was right though,” Neil said after a minute. “About coach being like a father figure. He was more of one than my own father was, anyway.”

“I called him Dad tonight. Just to fuck with him.”

Neil moved his hand and leaned back to look at Andrew more fully.

“Oh? Just to fuck with him, was it? You sure you didn’t mean that, just a little?” Neil knew Andrew would probably never speak as honestly with anyone the way he spoke honestly with him.  But he also knew Wymack was the closest thing Andrew had ever had to a father, just like he was the closest thing Neil had and Aaron had and Renee had and hell – probably even Matt and Allison who had fathers that were too rich and too busy to bother with their kids very much.

“Maybe just a little,” Andrew conceded with a nod. Neil suddenly very much wanted to kiss him.

“Let’s go get ice cream in fancy suits. My treat.”

So they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm thinking only two or so chapters until this is done! Phew! You're all beautiful and lovely and kudos and comments are so, so appreciated!
> 
> You can also follow me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


	10. Graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The twins and Nicky graduate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut at the end. You've been warned. :)

Andrew woke up the morning of his graduation in his and Neil’s bed in the Columbia house. When he rolled on to his side, it was to find Neil still sleeping. His face was half buried in the pillow and he was shirtless and the sheet was low on his hips. The slats from the blinds cast stripes of light on his face and hair and Andrew felt what he suspected was contentment.

_I’m okay._

He took a deep breath and ran a finger down the length of Neil’s nose until he stirred.

“Hey, you,” Neil said with sleepy eyes and tousled hair.

Yes, Andrew was quite okay.

“Move. I’m starving, and I have to piss.”

Neil rolled over and closed his eyes again, and Andrew left the warmth of his bed and his partner to take care of himself. He found Nicky and Aaron already in the kitchen drinking coffee and talking softly. Everything was in boxes. Nicky was leaving with Erik for Germany and Aaron was leaving with Katilyn for med school in Chicago after graduation. Andrew had a while before he needed to report for pre-season PR and training, so he and Neil would hang out in Columbia for a bit before leaving to get Andrew set up in Denver. They sold the house and had a few weeks left before having to vacate completely.

“Where are the others?” Andrew asked. Erik and Kaitlyn were both at the house. They would go to the graduation ceremony this afternoon together.

“In bed,” said Nicky. “We all had long nights, ya know?” He gave Andrew a wink at that and Andrew rolled his eyes before sitting down next to Aaron and across from Nicky with his own cup of coffee.

“Can you believe we’re here?” Nicky asked. “I mean, not here as in this house but…well...just here. In life. We all have someone and they’re sleeping in the rooms we lived in and you guys graduated from High School in. We’re about to graduate college. We all have life plans ahead of us. I’m so happy for both of you!” Nicky said with a little squeal at the end. He really did look sickeningly happy.

Aaron rolled his eyes. “It’s too early for this, Nicky. I have to stay sober enough to walk across a stage so please don’t force me to drink.”

“Oh, stop it. Come on, Aaron seriously. Did you ever think we’d all make it to this point? And in one piece? And better than even being in one piece we’re all _happy_.”

“No,” Andrew answered for his brother. “I did not think we’d make it here. I still don’t know how we did.”

“See?” Nicky shot at Aaron. “It’s an achievement. Listen, I brought you guys to this house and I tried to make it a home and I tried to give you a family. I don’t know if I actually did all those things, but I’m glad that those turn of events led to Wymack finding Andrew and led to Andrew dragging us along. Life is shit but sometimes things happen in just the right way to make some of it worth it.”

All three of them sat in silence for a while. Andrew thought about Neil up in his bed, half naked and warm and content. Then he thought about how he was just in that bed with him and about how he was okay.

_I’m okay._

Nicky broke Andrew from his thoughts with a laugh. “Do you remember the time Andrew got in trouble at school for fighting and the principal called me in? I walked into that office with Andrew sitting in the chair like a mini John Bender and the principal just deflated when he saw me. I don’t know what he was expecting, but a Mexican bartender dressed for work in leather and a collar who was barely older than you guys was _not_ it.”

Even Aaron conceded a small laugh at that, “Ah yes. I had many a classmate ask about my hot Latin cousin after that day. Thanks for that.”

“Anytime, anytime,” Nicky said with a wave of his hand.

“Do you remember what you said to him?” Andrew asked. He remembered this story. He remembered everything, but he especially remembered this story.

“I honestly don’t, I just remember trying to get out of there as quickly as possible without you being expelled. That man was the worst.”

“You said, _‘If Andrew feels the need to defend himself against someone insulting his brother and his upbringing, then he’ll defend himself. Maybe check the attitude of your students before you try to blame this on him alone.’_ ” Andrew was looking hard into Nicky’s face. Nicky had gone quiet. His smile had faded, and he looked down into his mug of coffee.

“Ah. Yes, I remember now. It just didn’t seem fair at the time. You weren’t fighting yourself.”

“I wasn’t. I never was. That was the first time anyone bothered to see it.” Andrew sat back and crossed his arms over his chest.

Aaron cleared his throat, “You were a good guardian. I don’t know that we’ve ever said it but thank you. For taking us in and looking after us. I know we didn’t make it easy. Especially this one,” Aaron said, jabbing a thumb in Andrew’s direction. Andrew just nodded when Nicky looked at him. He’d already had this conversation at the diner, and he was not lying when he said he didn’t want to have it again.

“Thank you,” Nicky said, looking very much like he was trying to keep it together. “I did the best I could with what we had, which wasn’t much.” Nicky looked at them before breaking into a smile and standing up. He walked around to the back of their chairs and put a hand on each one. “You can repay me with a hug!”

“No,” said Andrew.

“Absolutely not,” said Aaron at the same time.

“Listen you little shits. I raised you both when I was too young and beautiful to have children. Just give me one fucking hug before we’re all scattered to the wind, okay?”

Aaron huffed, “Fine.”

Andrew didn’t say anything which Nicky chose to take as his consent. He leaned down and wrapped am arm around each of their necks and pulled them both into his chest tightly until their heads almost knocked together.

“My babies,” he sniffled. “All grown up.”

They both tore themselves away, but not before there was the unmistakable sound of a camera clicking. Andrew looked up to see Erik standing in front of them, just as tall and blond and stupid as he remembered, with his phone in his hand and a laugh on his lips.

“Got it!” he exclaimed, and Nicky let out a loud “HAH!” to them before going to wrap his arms around Erik. “Now we have it forever!”

“I’m going upstairs. Call me when we’re leaving,” Andrew said in a bored voice. That was excruciating but if it made Nicky happy and got him off everyone’s back then whatever. He could let his cousin have this.

Because he was okay. He did deserve this. And he would _be_ okay.

****

Neil sat in the stands of the auditorium with Wymack, Abby, Betsey and Erik. The old foxes had to go back to wherever they came from before today, and Neil didn’t think Andrew nor Aaron particularly cared to have them there anyway. They were supposed to all meet up at a beach house this summer. It looked like they were all going to be able to make it, to Neil’s surprise.

He found Andrew in the sea of black robes on the floor of the auditorum. He sat curling and uncurling a program he had snatched from somewhere. Neil saw him look up once or twice and gave a small wave when he finally saw Neil.

The ceremony was so long and so boring and Neil thought they would never get to the names. But once they did, he found himself wishing they could go back to the commencement speaker. This was it. This was the moment Andrew was officially not a Fox anymore. This was the moment that solidified that Andrew was leaving Neil, and he didn’t know when they’d be able to be in the same place again.

When they called Nicky’s name, Neil startled when Erik stood and yelled as loud as he could. He was whistling and clapping when Nicky looked up and found him. Nicky blew him a kiss and put his hand over his heart. Erik mimicked the gesture before sitting down and burying his face in his hands.

Neil’s chest was suddenly tight.

Once they got to the M’s, it got even tighter. He clapped with the rest when they called ‘Aaron Michael Minyard’ but was too distracted by what was coming next to really pay attention. He watched Andrew take his place on the edge of the stage, and right before they called his name he looked up at Neil. They locked eyes for that split second, and Neil’s world stopped spinning.

_We did this. Together. We’re here together. We’re going to do whatever else comes next together._

_‘Andrew Joseph Minyard’_

Andrew walked across the stage and Neil yelled louder than anyone in that auditorium.

****

Everyone met up outside after the ceremony, and Nicky insisted on pictures. Neil didn’t understand how you could have so many variations of the same picture. Him with Erik, with coach and Abby and Betsey, with Aaron and Andrew, with Neil, with everyone. It was exhausting.

“Okay, one with Andrew and Neil!” Nicky yelled, startling Neil out of his thoughts.

“Ah,” Neil began. “That’s not really –“

“Come on, idiot,” Andrew huffed, grabbing Neil’s arm and dragging him over. Neil came willingly. It wasn’t that he didn’t want a picture with Andrew, it was just that he wasn’t sure Andrew would want one. He had to be on edge after all of the people he’d had to deal with today.

They stood together, and Andrew snaked an arm around his waist, so Neil put one around Andrew’s in return. Andrew tugged him in tight and they both looked at Nicky. “Christ you two are adorable. Smile! This is a graduation, not a funeral!”

Neil let a smile bloom. Just a small one. One that had been hiding there when Andrew had tugged him in close. One that really was happy, because he was proud of Andrew and proud of himself for holding it together. So, he let that little smile have free reign for just a minute. Even if Andrew probably had that same blank look he always wore. That was okay. Because Neil could always tell what was lurking behind his eyes.

Andrew walked over to the side to talk to Aaron who was standing there with Kaitlyn. When he approached, she made herself scarce. Aaron was leaving tonight to go to Chicago. They already had an apartment rented and had shipped the bulk of their stuff over. The ceremony was the only thing keeping them here. Neil watched them from the corner of his eye as Nicky was chatting to him and Wymack about something in Germany. The brothers talked for a few minutes, heads together. Aaron was saying something, and Andrew was nodding. When they stopped, they both took a step back and studied each other for a moment. Reflections in life. Aaron took one tentative step forward, and Andrew stood perfectly still while his twin wrapped his arms around his shoulders and brought him in for a hug. After a few seconds, Andrew relaxed his frame and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s waist and hugged him back.

And if Andrew was the last to let go? Well. No one mentioned it.

****

That night, Neil and Andrew were laying in bed after an impromptu celebration which included Nicky getting very drunk and Erik carrying him up the stairs to their room. Andrew was sitting up against the headboard reading, and Neil was next to him with his laptop in his lap, looking at apartments in Denver.

“Why am I even doing this? Shouldn’t you be doing this?” Neil asked, looking at the 5th apartment someone from the team’s management had sent to Andrew to look at.

“I don’t care what it looks like. As long as it has a door I can lock and a freezer I can put ice cream in, I don’t give a shit,” Andrew drawled, not taking his eyes from his book.

“What do you mean? You don’t care if it’s close to the stadium? Or if there’s a balcony so you can smoke? Or if they allow pets?”

“I may have to pay a deposit, but I’m sure they’ll allow you in the building.”

Neil snatched Andrew’s book, closed it on the page he was reading and threw it across the room.

“Sorry, you know how pesky us pets can be,” Neil said with a sweet smile. The laptop fell off the bed when Andrew grabbed him and pulled him onto his lap.

“Oh, yes. I know exactly how pesky. You’re going to pay for that. You lost my spot in that book.”

“Going to punish me, are you? Better make it good,” Neil said wrapping his arms around Andrew’s shoulders and leaning in. Andrew leaned forward and bit his lip in retaliation.

“Ouch,” Neil pouted rubbing his lip. “That hurt. Try again, let’s see if you can make it hurt better.”

Andrew breathed a laugh and yanked Neil forward again for a kiss. It started slow but turned heavy quickly.

“Hey,” Neil said, a bit breathless. “I’m proud of you.”

“Shut up,” Andrew responded before pulling him in again. There were teeth and hands and heavy breaths and it wasn’t long before they were both naked, with Neil on top of Andrew straddling his thighs and Andrew reaching around with slick fingers and making Neil moan with how clever they were inside of him. Their cocks rubbed together and the friction was almost unbearable. So, when Andrew grabbed on to Neil’s ass and started to lift him up with a question in his eyes, Neil breathed a yes into his neck and lowered himself slowly.

So slowly.

Onto Andrew’s cock.

Andrew let out a hiss and Neil did his best not to wake a sleeping Nicky and Erik. But it was hard. Because this was good and they were good and nothing felt more right in the world than this situation right here. They were joined together as close as they could possibly get and Neil thought he could live in this moment forever. These were the times when their pasts didn’t matter. They weren’t even Andrew and Neil here in this space. In the quiet part of their lives that was just for them. They were two broken souls that found a way to be whole when they joined together. 

What was heated in the beginning began to cool down. Neil locked eyes with Andrew like they had done in the auditorium and he moved his hips slowly. Savoring this. What he saw in Andrew’s eyes knocked what breath he had left right out of him.

This was exactly where they were meant to be.

Their foreheads touched and Neil closed his eyes to try and make this last as long as possible. Andrew made no move to quicken their pace. He let Neil rock his hips slowly and rubbed soothing circles into his back.

Neil wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. He wanted something for whatever it was that was threatening to tear out of his chest. It reached it’s way out of his throat until it made its way out of his mouth, and he buried his face in Andrew’s neck and let out a noise that was somewhere between a choke and a sob. Andrew only held him tighter and wrapped a hand around his aching cock.

Neil sucked in a breath and sat back up. He moved his hips just a little faster. He knew he was close and he wanted Andrew to tumble over this edge with him. Wanted them to feel this together.

Close, close, close. Neil didn’t think he could hold back anymore. It was right there at the base of his spine and it was building and building with each stroke of Andrew’s hand and each drag of Andrew’s cock against his prostate. He looked into Andrew’s eyes again and bit his lip and silently dared Andrew to hold his eyes while they came.

Neil spilled over first, and Andrew followed immediately after at the feel of Neil clenching around him. They held each other’s gaze and when it was over, when they were both coming down, Neil leaned his forehead to Andrew’s one more time.

“We’re okay,” he said. “You and me. We’re both okay.”

“I know,” Andrew told him, with a kiss to his neck.

For the first time since Andrew tried to take his own life, Neil believed it. 


	11. Leap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil and Andrew in Colorado

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LAST CHAPTER. I can't believe I made it to the end of this fic. Thank you so much to everyone who commented and stuck with me until the end. This fic was total self indulgence on my part to see what journey these two might take if Andrew really put forth the effort to heal himself and some of the relationships around him. So thank you for indulging me!

_POP POP POP_

Andrew and Neil were on the last leg of their flight to Colorado. They said goodbye to Bee and Wymack and Abby. They spent a night laying in the middle of the exy court, holding hands and staring at the ceiling. The quiet a silent tribute to the game that Andrew cared very little about and that Neil loved with a passion and that brought them together. To this place where they finally found peace and each other.

Now they were on their way to a new chapter. Andrew finally settled on an apartment close enough to the stadium to be convenient, but far enough away that he could separate himself from it when he needed to. All the things he couldn’t pack were there waiting for him. It came fully furnished, so there was nothing big to buy. A new home that was just his, and Neil hated not being a part of that home.

_POP POP POP_

Andrew had spent the take-off of each leg popping his rubber band. He would close his eyes and take a deep breath and _pop, pop, pop_ until they had evened out. Neil would find it amusing, but he was honestly just so thankful that this tiny little thing of popping a rubber band on his wrist helped with Andrew’s anxiety and was physical proof that he had kept his promise to Neil to work on the cutting.

He tried not to think about the fact that he’d be making this journey back alone. Tried to stay in the moment. This was going to be harder for Andrew, after all. Being in a new place where he knew no one and where his patience was going to be tested every single day. Neil wished he had a rubber band, too.

****

Andrew used the key he picked up in the lobby of the building to unlock his apartment and swung the door wide. He stood at the threshold looking in. It was a nice apartment, he supposed. But it didn’t feel like his. Neil poked him in the back.

“You’re supposed to actually go inside, you know,” he said quietly next to Andrew’s ear.

Andrew shivered a little and stepped inside. His few boxes were there, ready to unpack. He didn’t really have much in the way of stuff. It was mostly books and clothes, and he had purged some of that before he came. He didn’t need much since the apartment was fully furnished.

He and Neil made their way silently around the apartment. It was a one bedroom, one bathroom with a balcony and a good sized kitchen. Neil tried to convince him to get the two bedroom, but he figured having a one bedroom would discourage guests.

They made their way out onto the balcony and Andrew left the door open behind them.

“So,” Neil said, turning around to face Andrew and leaning his elbows against the railing. “What do you think? You’ve got a nice city view.”

Andrew shrugged. “It’s fine. It’s an apartment. I don’t need anything more than that.” He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and sat in one of the chairs set up outside. Neil took the one next to him and turned slightly so he was facing Andrew.

“I think it’s nice. The bed is huge, so I won’t have to sleep on top of you while I’m here visiting. It’s a great spot for running, too. Sidewalks everywhere so I won’t get hit by a car. Probably.”

Andrew snorted. He appreciated Neil trying to insert himself into Andrew’s picture of what life here would be like. But Andrew did not lie and he did not lie to himself. He would be lonely, some of the time. Some of the time he would be glad to be able to go to a place that was just his where he could shake off the responsibilities and stimulation of the day by himself. But some of the time he would be lonely. Because he’d had Neil for 4 years by his side and now he would not.

“What if you end up across the country when you get drafted?” Andrew asked. He’d been wanting to broach this question for weeks, but he didn’t feel stable enough for the conversation until now. He knew how he felt about it, and he thought he knew how Neil felt about it. But he wanted the confirmation.

“Then I end up across the country. We’ll make it work. Whatever we have to do. This is not forever, Andrew. Exy will not last forever and traveling will not last forever and this apartment will not last forever. But us?” he stopped and took a deep breath of Andrew’s cigarette smoke.

Andrew considered Neil for a moment. Knew he was trying to center himself with the smell. Knew he wanted to believe what he was saying. Andrew took a long drag and reached over to grab Neil around the neck. He brought him close and breathed a thin stream of smoke at Neil’s mouth. Neil’s lips parted the tiniest bit and he inhaled the smoke as deep as he could. He closed his eyes and came willingly when Andrew closed the miniscule gap between them and kissed him hard, smoke curling up between them on an exhale.

“We’re forever,” Neil whispered, when he finally came up for air.

****

After lunch at what Andrew was annoyed to find out was a health food restaurant, they found themselves at the closest Target. Neil was only slightly put out and a little amused at Andrew sitting inside the cart munching popcorn and slurping an icee while Neil pushed him around the store. They got more than one odd look, but Andrew was oblivious and Neil managed to snap a picture of him with his legs hanging over the edge of the basket, so he supposed it evened out.

“How are we going to fit anything in there with you taking up all the room?” Neil asked. He was propped up on the basket underneath and using one foot to push the cart like a skateboard. “We still need to get bedding and groceries, you know.”

“You’ll figure it out, I’m sure,” Andrew said, utterly unbothered by the prospect. Neil picked up a heavy set of sheets and threw it in the cart right on top of Andrew.

“You’re right, I’m sure this is fine,” he replied, smiling at the way Andrew was now clutching his stomach.

He turned down a random aisle and marveled at all the different kinds of accessories one could buy for a pet. How many different types of collars did a cat need? Was the one with the spikes practical? Why did a dog need a bed that had a memory foam base?

“Listen, I’ll buy you a treat later. Right now I need food that isn’t on my dietician’s list of approved items before the season starts.”

Neil rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should get a cat.”

“Maybe you should shut your mouth. Less talking, more ice cream.”

Neil knew this line of conversation was probably pointless, but he tried anyway. He’d never really thought of it before, but Andrew having a cat would be nice. Something he could come home to when Neil wasn’t there. Something to put his energy into taking care of.

“No, I’m serious. It’d be nice to have something warm to come home to, don’t you think?”

“I don’t need a cat and I’m not getting a cat. I don’t have time for a cat,” Andrew had sat up in the cart and was looking at Neil with a bored expression that bordered on annoyed.

“Alright, fine. But cats are low maintenance and I think it’d be nice. For you to have something to take care of.”

Andrew looked down at the icee in his hands and sucked the rest of what was left through the straw so it made a loud slurping sound that set Neil’s teeth on edge.

“I’ll think about it.”

****

The next week was spent in a state of perfect deniability. They were busy with getting Andrew unpacked and settled and running around for things they didn’t even think about needing before they got here.

_‘How is there not a paper towel holder?’_

_‘You probably need cleaning products?’_

_‘I know we bought a set of sheets but you probably need like…I don’t know…at least two?’_

It was busy enough that they didn’t have to think about what was coming. The inevitable departure. It was the middle of June and the foxes had plans to meet up at the end of July for a beach house trip, but that still left an entire month of them not seeing each other. So, they did the only sensible thing they could and ignored the situation altogether.

At the beginning of Neil’s second and last week in Denver, the cracks started to show. Andrew woke up one morning to a note from Neil saying he was going on a run. He had no idea what time Neil left, but it was already 10AM, and he knew his partner well enough to know he was usually up at the ass crack of dawn to run.

He called Neil’s cell and got no answer. He got himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter and tried not to pace. He tried Neil’s cell again. No answer. He grabbed the keys of the Maserati (which Andrew had paid an exorbitant fee to have a company deliver from South Carolina) and headed to the parking lot to look for the idiot.

He didn’t get far. Sitting on the curb near the parking lot, Neil had his knees drawn up with his arms crossed over them and his forehead resting on top of his arms. He was sweaty and breathing heavily. Andrew sat down next to him and stayed quiet until he lifted his head.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“You going to tell me why you tried to run yourself to death? Or are you going to tell me you’re fine?” Andrew wanted a cigarette so bad but had cut back for training. He wouldn’t be able to keep up in the pros if he didn’t have the stamina. He’d allowed himself a few per week for the last couple of weeks.

“I’m not fine. I don’t want to lie to you. But I don’t want you to worry unnecessarily either. I’ll _be_ fine, eventually. Just seems like my time here is going by really fast. Only a few more days.”

“A few more days and then it’s only a few weeks until the beach,” Andrew reminded him.

“I know. But then we’re around everyone else. Which okay, fine I guess. But still. It’s not the same as when it’s just us, you know?”

Andrew did know. They would have their own room at the beach house. They had both chipped in enough money to make sure of that. But it still wasn’t the same. It was the moments when it was dark and quiet and they could pretend they were the only souls that existed that helped center them both.

“I know. But you’re the one that told me we’re forever. Were you lying?”

“Of course I wasn’t lying.”

“Then one day we’ll have forever. Don’t complicate it,” Andrew said standing. “Now come on. You need a shower and I need pancakes.”

"You'll tell me, right? If things get hard or you're feeling like shit. You'll tell me?"

"I'll tell you."

****

The night before Neil was due to leave, they found themselves lying in Andrew’s giant bed with the bright orange comforter Neil forced upon him drawn up to their ears, speaking quietly.

“Are you going to miss me?” Neil asked, taking Andrew’s hand under the blanket.

“I’m _not_ going to miss you getting up at 6AM to go on a run, that’s for sure.”

“Yes, you are,” Neil said with a smile. “You’ll miss that and you’ll miss me forcing you to eat what’s in your program and taking all the hot water but mostly seeing my fucked up face every day.”

“What the fuck did you just say about my partner?” Andrew asked. “Because I would beat the shit out of anyone else who said something like that. I sure as shit don’t want to hear it from you.”

Neil’s smile faded. He knew Andrew didn’t care about his scars. They only bothered Neil some of the time. But he did not consider himself to be some sort of attractive prize. The fact that Andrew seemed to see him as one was overwhelming sometimes.

“I got you something,” he whispered. “I don’t expect you to put it anywhere. But I wanted you to have a copy.”

He got out of the bed and went over to his duffel, which was already packed for his return flight tomorrow morning. He felt around the bottom until he found the hard object he had wrapped in a t-shirt. He handed it to Andrew and bit his lip as he watched him unwrap it.

“Nicky gave it to me. I...I just really liked it. I thought it’d be nice for you to have while I’m not here. I have one, too.”

Andrew tossed the t-shirt aside and looked down at the framed picture of the two of them from graduation. Neil loved it because Andrew was actually smiling. He couldn’t see his face while Nicky took the picture, but he assumed he would have the same bored expression that he always did when there were other people besides Neil around. He didn’t. It was small and it was subtle but it was there. Right in the corner of his mouth. His eyes were so alive in the picture, too. His arm wrapped around Neil’s waist and both their bodies turned slightly toward each other. It was like the picture form of every success they had and every hurdle they cleared this year.

Andrew stared at the picture for what seemed to Neil like a lifetime before very carefully placing it on the bedside table, angled toward the bed. He looked at it for another minute before turning back to Neil.

“Come here,” he said quietly, reaching out a hand and circling it around Neil’s wrist. He pulled him toward the bed until Neil was flat on his back. Andrew draped himself over Neil and moved a piece of hair from his forehead before leaning down for a kiss.

“Thank you,” Andrew whispered. And he proceeded to take Neil apart in that way of his. The way that Neil knew was him saying things with his hands and his mouth that he couldn’t manage to say out loud. The way he would look at Neil and open his mouth but nothing would come out, like he was choking on the words.

But that was okay. Because Neil didn’t need to hear them. He could feel them and he could see them and he could taste them on Andrew’s tongue.

Andrew was not gentle. Neil didn’t think either of them had it in them just then. It was messy and desperate and just a little painful. They would both bear bruises tomorrow of too tight fingers and too sharp teeth and too long kisses. But it was what they needed. This pain was healing instead of traumatic and Neil knew it was the kind of sex Andrew tried to hold back from for fear of hurting Neil. But Neil wouldn’t let him. It would be a physical reminder tomorrow, when they had to leave one another, that this was still real and it was still theirs.

When Neil fell asleep that night in Andrew’s bed, he looked at the picture on the table. At the key clutched in his hand that Andrew had given him after they were done. At the man next to him. Then he looked deep inside and decided he was the happiest he’d ever been right at that moment.

****

Neil and Andrew stood shoulder to shoulder in the airport, staring at the security check point. Neither made a move to go forward. Neither made a move to go back. They stood and they stared and they counted breaths. Because there were only a few left before Neil had to make his way through that check point, and away from Andrew for longer than they had ever been apart since they’d been together.

Andrew took a deep breath and took Neil’s hand.

“Come on,” he said quietly. Neil followed without hesitation. Because he always trusted Andrew.

Andrew led them into a narrow service hallway marked employees only that was between a coffee shop and a sundries store. He planted himself against the wall and Neil planted himself against Andrew, placing all his weight on his partner as he leaned forward against him. As he threaded their fingers together, still at their sides. As he buried his face in Andrew’s neck.

And cried.

“I don’t want to leave you,” he whispered. “I just want to stay here and help you get more settled and make you get cats and take care of you when you don’t take care of yourself.”

Andrew took a deep breath before responding. He needed to keep it together. For both of them, really. Because this was going to be okay. This was not forever. This was just for now. Andrew was going to be okay and Neil was going to be okay and one day forever would begin and then they would be okay together.

“Hey,” Andrew said, placing a hand on Neil’s cheek to force him to look up. The full effect of Neil’s face was devastating. It was always beautiful, but with his eyes filled with tears they were an otherworldly blue. Like the type of clear summer sky that only happens in movies. His cheeks were flushed and his full lower lip jutted out, just a little. Enough that Andrew leaned forward and kissed it. Neil leaned into it and Andrew pulled back before they could get carried away. He didn’t think he’d ever stop if they started now.

So, he leaned his head against Neil’s shoulder, and he remembered all of his sessions with Bee about expressing himself and not keeping emotions bottled up and his promise to Neil to always be honest. So, through gritted teeth, he closed his eyes and said against Neil’s shoulder, “I was on my knees.”

“What?” Neil asked, shifting to try and get a better look at him. Andrew wouldn’t let him. He didn’t think he could do this if he had to look Neil in the face.

“When I jumped. I was on my knees just begging for a reason. Life had me crawling, Neil. I was crawling and desperate and so, so stupid,” he kept his eyes closed and took a deep shaky breath before continuing. “There’s this voice in my head and it sounds like them. All of them. And sometimes it tells me I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve this. Sometimes I believe them. But when I’m with you, this is the only thing I believe in. I was on my _knees._ And you picked me up, like you always do. You stood me up and dusted me off and forced me to keep going and to keep trying and to get better.”

“You did that yourself. You deserve more credit than that. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do,” Neil said, leaning his head against Andrew’s. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of his shampoo.

“I did do it. But I don’t know that I would’ve been able to without you there. So, thank you is all I’m trying to say,” Andrew lifted his head and locked eyes with Neil. Honey met sky and the world slowed and faded and pin pointed to this exact moment in this exact spot between the two of them. Because this was Andrew’s salvation.

Andrew decided to leap, one more time.

“I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for all the support! I may end up picking this back up in a part 2 with the beach house and Andrew's first year on a pro team. If anyone is interested? 
> 
> You can also follow me on [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jtmann182)


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